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Close, But Not Exactly Right

Last night we went out for dinner at Ruby Tuesday where we both opted to try something from their special summer menu. Donna chose the Bourbon Salmon with spaghetti squash and grilled green beans. I went for the Caribbean Chicken and instead of my usual salad and potato I chose the grilled green beans as well and broccoli. When dinner was served I received green beans and mashed taters. Maybe the waiter heard me mentally contemplate the potatoes before saying broccoli, but, hey, I like mashed potatoes, so I ate them.

For this morning’s breakfast at DD we ordered the usual. My coffee with muffin and Donna’s hot chocolate with two wake-up wraps, one ham, one bacon. The first three items we get at the register and then have to wait a bit for the wraps to cook. When I say usual it is so usual that they usually get Donna’s wraps going when they see the car pull up in front of the store. When they called out the wrap order I thought I heard them say, “Sausage wrap and ham wrap.” When Donna pulled them out of the bag, turns out I heard right. Hey, up until a couple months ago she used to order that combo, so maybe they just misremembered.

In both cases we didn’t complain, except amongst ourselves, because sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle.

Immutable Laws of Nature

  1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
  2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
  5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
  8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
  11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  12. Keith Gregory’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers and one of them will be naked.
  13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
  14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  15. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
  16. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  17. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better. If you don’t make an appointment you’ll stay sick.

The Church Of Orphan Black

The Church now has two acolytes, the Accounting Manager and the Payroll Clerk of the Valve Store(TM). Both have finished watching all of season one and have asked for their own copy of the show so they can re-watch it. In trying to grow my little religion I have had the digital copies of season one placed in the hands of six other folks at work for a while now, but none of them has actually watched any of it except for the clip of the first 3 minutes of the first episode.

The two that are hooked are female, the six that are not are male. Are the guys not watching it because of the female protagonist? Did the ladies dig it because of her?

Having run out of men to try and convert and with my previous success with the ladies, this afternoon and gave a set of DVDs to a woman who works in engineering department out back in the same offices as I do.

As I handed Cathy her the discs I thought to myself, maybe it has nothing to do with the sex of my prospective converts but the media applied. So if she comes back on Monday having watched all 10 episodes and loves it, I’ll have to try and pass along the DVDs to one of my hesitant male prospects.

Fantasty Football Time Again

As Commissioner of the Valve Store’s ™ Fantasy Football League my duties are legion, one of which is confirming a date for Draft Day, which this year was akin to herding house cats. With that done, next up is picking the order of draft. Unlike the NFL it is not really worst gets first pick, but more like the worst team last year get to draw a piece of paper with a number from 1 to 12 on it which will represent the order.

Tonight when I got home I emailed everyone:

This year’s draft order will be chosen tomorrow, Wednesday, July 31st at 12:40 in the Engineering Conference Room. It will be hosted by Pat Sajak with the numbers being drawn by Vanna White and televised on the Ocho (ESPN8.) Draft Order Numbers will be drawn in the reverse order of last year’s final standings:

1 – Keith Gregory – Team Gregory
2 – Mike Lenio – SC Bone Crushers
3 – Tom Schelfaut – SC SWAG
4 – Kevin Falcon – Swamp Rats SR
5 – Mark Turner – Team TURNER
6 – Gregory Morgan – North Augusta Meatheads
7 – Evan Lenio – Aiken Ball Busters
8 – Bob Royer – Spoiled Rich Guys In Tights
9 – Brian Bogardus – Purple Whales
10 – Robert Arnone – May the Odds Be Evr in My Favor
11 – Bob Smyth – Team Argyle Pilgrims
12 – Brian Montgomery – Multiple Scorgasms

Team owner attendance is not mandatory, but you are welcome to audit the event in person. With written notice to the EZEFFL Office, 24 hours prior to the event, showing credible evidence that Pat and/or Vanna have “liked” an opposing team on Facebook or tweeted negatively towards your organization, you may be allowed to draw for your own number.

This is being sent to your home email address, but because not everyone checks their home email often enough I am also copying your work email. Because there are probably one or two of you who check neither with any regularity, I will be telepathically implanting this message in your dreams tonight at 3:14AM