It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept peo­ple who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was stand­ing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav­ing an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apart­ment but couldn’t find him any­where. So I went out onto the bal­cony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hang­ing over the edge by his fin­ger­tips. I went inside, got a ham­mer, and started hit­ting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrig­er­a­tor and pushed it over the bal­cony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of pas­sion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the sec­ond man. “I was doing aer­o­bics on the bal­cony of my 26th floor apart­ment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I man­aged to grab the bal­cony of the apart­ment below, but some maniac came out and started pound­ing on my fin­gers with a ham­mer. Luck­ily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrig­er­a­tor on me!”

St. Peter chuck­led, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, pic­ture this; I’m naked, hid­ing inside a refrigerator…”

Two Mex­i­cans are stuck in the desert after cross­ing into the United States, wan­der­ing aim­lessly and starv­ing. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sud­den Luis says.….….

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Ees, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon.”

With renewed hope they strug­gle up the next sand dune, & there, in the dis­tance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, dou­ble smoked bacon … Every imag­in­able kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”

“Luis, maybe ees a meer­age? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meer­age that smell like bacon…ees no meer­age, ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis stag­gers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawl­ing close behind, when sud­denly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mor­tally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it?”

“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush.….”

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first lit­tle boy says, “Alli­ga­tor.“
“Very good, that’s a big word.“
The sec­ond boy says, “Preda­tor.“
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.“
The third boy says, “Vibra­tor, Miss.“
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat any­thing.“
“Well my sis­ter has one and she says it eats bat­ter­ies like there’s no tomorrow!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assign­ment: Get their Par­ents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their sto­ries. There were all the reg­u­lar types of stuff: spilled milk and pen­nies saved. But then the teacher real­ized, much to her dis­may, that only Larry was left.

“Larry, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy ter­ri­tory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pis­tol, and a sur­vival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bot­tle wouldn’t break, and then her para­chute landed her right in the mid­dle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pis­tol, until she ran out of bul­lets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good Heav­ens,” said the hor­ri­fied teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this hor­ri­ble story?”

“Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

Larry is doing deten­tion all week!

A busi­ness man checked into his hotel and was a bit lonely. He thought, maybe he’d call one of those girls you see adver­tised in phone books under escorts and such. So he picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl call­ing her­self “Ero­go­nique”, a lovely girl. Bend­ing over in the photo, she had all the right curves in all the right places, beau­ti­ful wavy hair, long grace­ful legs… well, you get the pic­ture! He fig­ured, what the heck, give her a call.

“Hello”, the woman says… God, she sounded sexy already.

Afraid he would lose my nerve if he hes­i­tated, he rushed right in. “Hi, I hear you give a great mas­sage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring imple­ments, toys, rub­ber, leather, whips — every­thing you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night… you can tie me up, cover me in choco­late syrup and whipped cream, any­thing and every­thing goes! Now, how does that sound to you?”

She replied, “That sounds fan­tas­tic sir but, if you want an out­side line, you need to press 9.”

A man and his wife were awak­ened at 3:00 am by a loud pound­ing on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, stand­ing in the pour­ing rain, is ask­ing for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the hus­band, “it is 3:00 in the morn­ing!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy ask­ing for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morn­ing and it is pour­ing rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short mem­ory,” says his wife. “Can“t you remem­ber about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pound­ing rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

After retir­ing, I went to the Social Secu­rity office to apply for Social Secu­rity. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to ver­ify my age… I looked in my pock­ets and real­ized I had left my wal­let at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbut­ton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt reveal­ing my curly sil­ver hair. She said, “That sil­ver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” She processed my Social Secu­rity application.

When I got home, I excit­edly told my wife about my expe­ri­ence at the Social Secu­rity office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have got­ten dis­abil­ity, too.”

An old man in his mid-eighties strug­gles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, see­ing the unex­pected behav­ior, asks, “Where are you going?“
He replies, “I’m going to the doc­tor.“
She says, “Why, are you sick?“
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Via­gra stuff.”

Imme­di­ately the wife starts work­ing and posi­tion­ing her­self to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat…
He says, “Where the heck are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doc­tor, too.“
He says, “Why, what do you need?“
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m get­ting a Tetanus shot..”

A man goes to an oral sur­geon to have a tooth pulled.

The den­tist pulls out a freez­ing nee­dle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No nee­dles! I hate nee­dles!” the patient said.

The den­tist starts to hook up the laugh­ing gas & the man objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of hav­ing the gas mask on is suf­fo­cat­ing me!”

The den­tist then asks the patient if he has any objec­tion to tak­ing a pill.
“No objec­tion,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”

The den­tist then returns and says, “Here’s a Via­gra tablet.“
The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Via­gra worked as a pain killer!“
“It doesn’t,” said the den­tist, “but it will give you some­thing to hold onto when I pull your tooth.

Three Hill­bil­lies are sit­ting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.

1st Hill­billy says: “My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air con­di­tioner.“
2nd Hill­billy says: “Why is that stu­pid?“
1st Hill­billy says: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”

2nd Hill­billy says: “That’s nothin’! My wife is so stu­pid, she bought one of them new fan­gled warshin’ machines!“
1st Hill­billy says: “Why is that so stu­pid?“
2nd Hill­billy says: ”Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”

3rd Hill­billy says: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 con­doms in thar.“
1st and 2nd Hill­bil­lies say: “Well, what’s so dumb about that?“
3rd Hill­billy says: “She ain’t got no pecker.”

Mul­doon lived alone in the Irish coun­try­side with only a pet dog for com­pany. One day the dog died, and Mul­doon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be say­ing’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we can­not have ser­vices for an ani­mal in the church. But there are some Bap­tists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do some­thing for the creature.”

Mul­doon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya ‘think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Susie Lee done fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all, she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal, you’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ ma don’t know, but Joe is yo’ half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said, there’s trou­ble still.

You can’t marry Will, my gal, and please don’t tell yo’ mother,
but Will and Joe, and sev­eral more I know is yo’ half brothers.

But mama knew and said, my child, just do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe; you ain’t no kin to pappy.

(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don’t it?)

WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half dis­cov­ered, half wild, fer­tile and nat­u­rally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well devel­oped and open to trade, espe­cially for some­one with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and con­vinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gen­tly aging but still a warm and desir­able place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glo­ri­ous and all con­quer­ing past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn’t make the same mis­takes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meet­ing new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beau­ti­ful, with a mys­te­ri­ous past and the wis­dom of the ages…only those with an adven­tur­ous spirit and a thirst for spir­i­tual knowl­edge visit there.

MAN
Between 1 and 70, he is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

A woman comes home and tells her hus­band, “Remem­ber those headaches I have been hav­ing all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches?” the hus­band asks,” What happened?”

His wife replies,” Margie referred me to a hyp­no­tist. He told me to stand in front of a mir­ror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.”

“It worked! The headaches are all gone.” His wife then adds, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bed­room these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hyp­no­tist and see if he can do any­thing for that?”

The hus­band agrees to try it.

Fol­low­ing his appoint­ment, the hus­band comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and car­ries her into the bed­room. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the bath­room and comes back a few min­utes later and jumps into bed and makes pas­sion­ate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The hus­band says, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”

He goes back into the bath­room, comes back, and round two was even bet­ter than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her hus­band again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife qui­etly fol­lows him and there, in the bath­room, she sees him stand­ing at the mir­ror and say­ing, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife!”

A cab­bie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab dri­ver won’t stop star­ing at her. She asks him why are you star­ing. And he replies, “I have a ques­tion to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.

She answers, ‘My dear son, you can­not offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about every­thing. I’m sure that there’s noth­ing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fan­tasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be sin­gle and #2 you must be Catholic.”

The cab dri­ver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am sin­gle and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.”

He does and the nun ful­fills his fan­tasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab dri­ver starts cry­ing. “My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”

“For­give me sis­ter, but I have sinned. I lied, I must con­fess, I’m mar­ried and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Hal­loween party.”

(a lit­tle late for Hal­loween, but thanks Rae.)

As a young min­is­ter in Ken­tucky, I was asked by a funeral direc­tor to hold a grave­side ser­vice for a home­less man, who had no fam­ily or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new ceme­tery way back in the coun­try, and this man would be the first to be buried there. I was not famil­iar with the back­woods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typ­i­cal man, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the back­hoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The dig­ging crew was eat­ing lunch. I apol­o­gized to the work­ers for my tar­di­ness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the work­ers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The work­ers gath­ered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about “look­ing for­ward to a brighter tomor­row” and “the glory that is to come,” the work­ers began to say “Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory!” The fer­vor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Gen­e­sis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy ser­vice with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was open­ing the door and tak­ing off my coat, I heard one of the work­ers say to another, “I ain’t NEVER seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been puttin’ in sep­tic tanks for thirty years!”

An extremely mod­est man was in the hos­pi­tal for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bod­ily sys­tems extremely upset. Upon mak­ing sev­eral false alarm trips to the bath­room, he decided the lat­est episode was another and stayed put. He sud­denly filled his bed with diar­rhea and was embar­rassed beyond his abil­ity to remain ratio­nal. He jumped out of bed, gath­ered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hos­pi­tal window.

At that moment a drunk was walk­ing by and the sheets landed right on him. He started yelling, curs­ing, and swing­ing his arms vio­lently try­ing to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tan­gled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, star­ing down at the sheets, a hos­pi­tal secu­rity guard who had watched the whole inci­dent, and barely con­tain­ing his laugh­ter, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still star­ing down replied: “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

A psy­chi­a­trist was con­duct­ing a group ther­apy ses­sion with four young moth­ers and their small chil­dren. “You all have obses­sions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eat­ing. You’ve even named your daugh­ter Candy.”

He turned to the sec­ond Mom, Ann, “Your obses­sion is with money. Again, it man­i­fests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, “Your obses­sion is alco­hol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, qui­etly got up, took her lit­tle boy by the hand and whis­pered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talk­ing about. Let’s go pick up your broth­ers Peter and Willy from school.”

An older gen­tle­man had an appoint­ment to see the urol­o­gist who shared offices with sev­eral other doc­tors. The wait­ing room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the recep­tion­ist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the recep­tion­ist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the wait­ing room snapped their heads around to look at the very embar­rassed man.

He recov­ered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

Char­lie was fix­ing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beau­ti­ful bath­room faucet while she was wait­ing for Walt the man­ager to fin­ish wait­ing on a cus­tomer. When Walt was fin­ished with the cus­tomer, Mary asked “How much for that faucet?”

Walt replied, “That’s pewter and it costs $300.”

“My good­ness that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she pro­ceeded to describe the hinge that Char­lie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

Mary replied, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

And this is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.

A young guy from Min­nesota moves to Florida and goes to a big ‘every­thing under one roof’ depart­ment store look­ing for a job.

The man­ager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah. I was a sales­man back in Minnesota.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomor­row. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. “How many cus­tomers bought some­thing from you today?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says “Just one? Our sales peo­ple aver­age 20 to 30 cus­tomers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says, “$101,237.65.”

The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish­hook. Then I sold him a larger fish­hook. Then I sold him a new fish­ing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fish­ing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat depart­ment and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the auto­mo­tive depart­ment and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?”

The kid answered, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tam­pons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot; you should go fishing.’ ”

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giv­ing her a sponge bath. One of them was wash­ing her pri­vate area and noticed that there was a slight response on the mon­i­tor when­ever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was def­i­nite movement.

They went to her hus­band and explained what hap­pened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a lit­tle ‘0ral Sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.”

The hus­band was skep­ti­cal, but they assured him that they would close the cur­tains for pri­vacy. The hus­band finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few min­utes the woman’s mon­i­tor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room. “What hap­pened!?” they cried.

The hus­band said, “I’m not sure; maybe she choked.”

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from a big city and is cer­tain that he has a bet­ter edu­ca­tion then any cop from this small town. He decides to prove this to him­self and have some fun at the deputy’s expense.

The deputy says,” License and reg­is­tra­tion, please.”

“What for?” says the lawyer.

The deputy says, “You didn’t come to a com­plete stop at the stop sign.”

Then the lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a com­plete stop.” says the deputy, “License and reg­is­tra­tion, please.”

The lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

“The dif­fer­ence is you have to come to com­plete stop, that’s the law. License and reg­is­tra­tion, please!” the Deputy says.

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal dif­fer­ence between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and reg­is­tra­tion; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

“That sounds fair. Please exit your vehi­cle, sir,” the deputy says.

The deputy takes out his night­stick and starts beat­ing the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gim­mick. His wife Mar­sha had long ago given up try­ing to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual pur­chases. It was a robot that John claimed was actu­ally a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that after­noon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.

“Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late get­ting home?” asked John.

“Sev­eral of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knock­ing him com­pletely out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detec­tor. Now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Com­mand­ments,” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knock­ing him off his chair once more. With his lip quiv­er­ing, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched an R-rated movie.”

“I am ashamed of you, son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my par­ents.” The robot then walked around to John and deliv­ered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Mar­sha dou­bled over in laugh­ter, almost in tears, and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

With that the robot imme­di­ately walked around to Mar­sha and knocked her out of her chair.

A teacher is talk­ing about sci­ence to her 3rd grade stu­dents. ‘Human beings are the only ani­mals that stut­ter,’ she says.

A lit­tle girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stut­tered,’ she volunteered.

The teacher, know­ing how pre­cious some of these sto­ries could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well,’ she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rot­tweiler that lives next door got a run­ning start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.

‘It sure was,’ said the lit­tle girl. ‘My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… And before he could say ‘Fuck,’ the Rot­tweiler ate him.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born with­out a belly but­ton. In its place was a golden screw. All the doc­tors told his mother that there was noth­ing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of grow­ing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leav­ing his house and thus, never made any friends. One day, a mys­te­ri­ous stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled.

The next day he took all of his life’s sav­ings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After sev­eral days of climb­ing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come.

He was told to sleep in the high­est tower of the monastery and the fol­low­ing day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man imme­di­ately went to the room and fell asleep.

Dur­ing the night while he slept, a pur­ple fog floated in an open win­dow, bear­ing in its mist, a golden screw­driver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and dis­ap­peared out the window.

The next morn­ing when the man woke, he saw the golden screw lay­ing on the pil­low next to him. Reach­ing down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubi­lant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is, “Don’t screw around with things you don’t under­stand — you could lose your ass.”

A man wakes up the hos­pi­tal, ban­daged from head to foot. The doc­tor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained con­scious­ness. Now, you prob­a­bly won’t remem­ber, but you were in a pile-up on the free­way. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and every­thing, but… some­thing unfor­tu­nate hap­pened. I’m try­ing to break this gen­tly, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.’

The man groans, but the doc­tor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9,000 in insur­ance com­pen­sa­tion com­ing to you, and we have the tech­nol­ogy now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did — bet­ter in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

The man perks up at this.

‘So,’ the doc­tor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s some­thing you’d bet­ter dis­cuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be dis­ap­pointed. So it’s impor­tant that she plays a role in help­ing you make the decision.’

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doc­tor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doc­tor, ‘have you spo­ken with your wife?’

‘I have,’ says the man.

‘And has she helped you in mak­ing the decision?’

‘She has,’ says the man.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re get­ting a new kitchen.’

A young man goes into the Job Cen­ter in Charleston, SC and sees a card adver­tis­ing for a Gynecologist’s Assis­tant. Inter­ested he goes to learn more

“Can you give me some more details about this?” he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Cen­ter man sorts through his files & replies — “Oh yes here it is: The job entails you get­ting the lady patients ready for the gyne­col­o­gist. You have to help them out of their under­wear, lie them down and care­fully wash their gen­i­tal regions. You then apply shav­ing foam and gen­tly shave off all their pubic hair then rub in sooth­ing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s exam­i­na­tion. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Savan­nah, GA. That’s about 120 miles from here.”

“Oh, why? Is that where the job’s at?”

“No sir — that’s where the end of the line is…!!”

Sarah, a wid­owed Jew­ish lady, was sun­bathing on a beach at Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blan­ket on the sand next to hers and began read­ing a book.

Smil­ing, she attempted to strike up a con­ver­sa­tion with him. “Hello, sir, how are you today?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My hus­band passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely. Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Sun­tree,” he answered, and again resumed reading.

Try­ing to find a topic of com­mon inter­est, Sarah per­sisted. “Do you like pussy­cats?” With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blan­ket and on to her, tore off her swim­suit and gave her the most pas­sion­ate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to set­tle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

An elderly cou­ple was hav­ing din­ner one evening when the hus­band reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be mar­ried 50 years, and there’s some­thing I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaith­ful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be hon­est with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaith­ful to you three times dur­ing these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obvi­ously hurt by his wife’s con­fes­sion, but said, “I never sus­pected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good rea­sons?’” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were mar­ried, and we were about to lose our lit­tle house because we couldn’t pay the mort­gage. Do you remem­ber that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he noti­fied you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can for­give you for that. You saved our home, but what about the sec­ond time?” Martha asked, “And do you remem­ber when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well I went to see your doc­tor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can for­give you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “Alright”, Martha said. “So do you remem­ber when you ran for pres­i­dent of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

A koala is sit­ting up a gum tree smok­ing a joint when a lit­tle lizard walks past and looks up and says “Hey Koala! What are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smok­ing a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lit­tle lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few tokes.

After a while the lit­tle lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lit­tle lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A croc­o­dile sees this, swims over to the lit­tle lizard, helps him to the side and asks the lit­tle lizard, “What’s the mat­ter with you?”

The lit­tle lizard explains to the croc­o­dile that he was sit­ting smok­ing a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while tak­ing a drink.

The croc­o­dile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain for­est, finds the tree where the koala is sit­ting fin­ish­ing a joint, and he looks up and says, “Hey Koala!”

So the koala looks down at him and says: “Shi­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­i­iit dude.…..how much water did you drink???”

Four mar­ried guys go fish­ing. After an hour, the fol­low­ing con­ver­sa­tion took place:

First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fish­ing this week­end. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Sec­ond guy: “That is noth­ing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.”

They con­tinue to fish. When they real­ized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. “You haven’t said any­thing about what you had to do to be able to come fish­ing this week­end. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, “Fish­ing or Sex?” and she said, “Wear sun-block.”

One night, after a cou­ple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her hus­band was touch­ing her in a most unusual manner.

He started by run­ning his hand across her shoul­ders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touch­ing them very lightly. Then, he pro­ceeded to run his hand gen­tly down her side, slid­ing his hand over her stom­ach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He con­tin­ued on, gen­tly feel­ing her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran fur­ther down the out­side of her thighs. His gen­tle prob­ing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becom­ing aroused and she squirmed a lit­tle to bet­ter posi­tion her­self. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stop­ping dar­ling?” she whispered.

He whis­pered back, “I found the remote.”

A wealthy hos­pi­tal bene­fac­tor was being shown around the hos­pi­tal. Dur­ing her tour she passed a room where a male patient was mas­tur­bat­ing furiously.

“Oh my GOD!” exclaimed the woman. “That’s dis­grace­ful! Why is he doing that?”

The doc­tor who was lead­ing the tour calmly explained, “I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a seri­ous con­di­tion where his tes­ti­cles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his tes­ti­cles could eas­ily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lay­ing in bed while a nurse per­formed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doc­tor spoke very calmly, “Same ill­ness, bet­ter health plan.”

Two very elderly friends, Max and Ralph met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squir­rels and dis­cuss world prob­lems. One day Ralph didn’t show up. Max didn’t think much about it, fig­ur­ing maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Ralph hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Max really got wor­ried. How­ever, the only time they ever got together any­more was at the park, and Max could not remem­ber where Ralph lived so he was unable to find out what had hap­pened to him.

A month passed and Max fig­ured old Ralph had gone to his heav­enly reward. But one day Max went to the park and, lo and behold, there sat Ralph. Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For cry­ing out loud Ralph, what hap­pened to you???”

Ralph replied, “I have been in jail.”

Jail???,” cried max! “What in the world for???”

“Well,” Ralph said, “you know Sue, that cute lit­tle blonde wait­ress at the cof­fee shop where we get cof­fee sometimes?”

“Yeah,” said Max, “I remem­ber her. What about her?”

“Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what every­one would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’.”

“The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.”

A “heads up” for those of you who may be reg­u­lar Home Depot cus­tomers. Over the last month or so I became a vic­tim of a clever scam while out shop­ping. Sim­ply going out to get sup­plies has turned out to be quite trau­matic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t hap­pen to you!

Here’s how the scam works:
Two seri­ously good-looking 20–21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are pack­ing your shop­ping into the trunk. They both start wip­ing your wind­shield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impos­si­ble not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start hav­ing sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and per­forms oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I’ve had my wal­let stolen Decem­ber 2nd, 9th, 10th, twice on the 29th, three times just yes­ter­day, and very likely again this upcom­ing week­end. So be careful.

I went to the Patent Office try­ing to reg­is­ter some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my per­sonal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, “A fold­ing bottle.”

She said, “Okay, what do you call it?”

“A Fot­tle.”

“What else do you have?”

“A fold­ing car­ton.” “What do you call it?”

“A Far­ton.”

She snig­gered and said, “Those are silly names for prod­ucts and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

I was so upset by her com­ment that I grabbed the form and left the office with­out even telling her about my fold­ing bucket.

Ques­tion: You are dri­ving in a car at a con­stant speed. On your right side is a steep drop off and on your left side is a fire engine trav­el­ing at the same speed as you. In front of you is a gal­lop­ing pig which is the same size as your car and you can­not over­take it. Behind you is a heli­copter fly­ing at ground level. Both the giant pig and the heli­copter are also trav­el­ing at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dan­ger­ous sit­u­a­tion?
Con­tinue read­ing Physics Problem

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bed­room. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old con­tin­ues, “When we go down­stairs for break­fast, I’m gonna say some­thing with hell and you say some­thing with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for break­fast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Chee­rios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tum­bles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs cry­ing his eyes out, with his mother in hot pur­suit, slap­ping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes backs down­stairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for break­fast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blub­bers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

Most peo­ple don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s may­on­naise was man­u­fac­tured in Eng­land. In fact, the Titanic was car­ry­ing 12,000 jars of the condi­ment sched­uled for deliv­ery in Vera Cruz, Mex­ico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest sin­gle ship­ment of may­on­naise ever deliv­ered to Mex­ico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an ice­berg and sank, and the cargo was for­ever lost.

The peo­ple of Mex­ico, who were crazy about may­on­naise, and were eagerly await­ing its deliv­ery, were dis­con­so­late at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourn­ing, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourn­ing occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

The only way to pull off a Sun­day after­noon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apart­ment was to send him out on the bal­cony with a Pop­si­cle and tell him to report on all the neigh­bor­hood activ­i­ties. He began his com­men­tary as his par­ents put their plan into operation:

“There’s a car being towed from the park­ing lot”, he shouted.

A few moments passed … “An ambu­lance just drove by”

A few moments later, “Looks like the Ander­son ‘s have com­pany”, he called out.

“Matt’s rid­ing a new bike.….”

A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving”

“Jason is on his skate board.…”

A few more moments, “The Coop­ers are hav­ing sex !!”

Star­tled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cau­tiously called out, “How do you know they are hav­ing sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is stand­ing on his bal­cony with a Pop­si­cle too.”

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a prob­lem. I have two female par­rots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say,“Hi, we’re hook­ers! Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solu­tion to your prob­lem. I have two male talk­ing par­rots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two par­rots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My par­rots can teach your par­rots to pray and wor­ship, and your par­rots are sure to stop say­ing that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brings her female par­rots to the priest’s house. As he ush­ers her in, she sees that his two male par­rots are inside their cage, hold­ing rosary beads and pray­ing. Impressed, she walks over and places her par­rots in with them.

After a few min­utes, the female par­rots cry out in uni­son: “Hi, we’re hook­ers! Do you want to have some fun?”

Stunned silence, from both the humans and par­rots. Quickly the moment passes and one male par­rot looks over at the other male par­rot and exclaims, “Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered.”

A woman went to the under­tak­ers to have one last look at her dearly departed hus­band. The instant she saw him she starts cry­ing. One of the under­tak­ers strides up to pro­vide com­fort in this somber moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dear­est Albert was wear­ing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The under­taker apol­o­gizes and explains that, tra­di­tion­ally, they always put the bod­ies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the under­tak­ers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the fol­low­ing day. When the under­taker pulls back the cur­tain, she man­ages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplen­dent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the under­taker, “Won­der­ful, but where did you get that beau­ti­ful blue suit?”

“Well, yes­ter­day after­noon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wear­ing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the under­taker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He con­tin­ued, “After that, it was sim­ply a mat­ter of swap­ping the heads.”

1. Ratio of an igloo’s cir­cum­fer­ence to its diam­e­ter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chi­nese soup = Won ton
3. 1 mil­lionth of a mouth­wash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slip­ping on a peel and smack­ing the pave­ment = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evan­ge­list car­ries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nau­ti­cal mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twi­light Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intes­tine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryn­gi­tis = 1 hoarsepower
11. 453.6 gra­ham crack­ers = 1 pound cake
12. 1 million-million micro­phones = 1 megaphone
13. 2 mil­lion bicy­cles = 2 megacycles
14. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
15. 2000 mock­ing­birds = 2 kilomockingbirds
16. 52 cards = 1 decacards
17. 1 kilo­gram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
18. 1000 mil­li­liters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
19. 1 mil­lionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
20. 1 tril­lion pins = 1 terrapin
21. 10 rations = 1 decoration
22. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
23. 2 mono­grams = 1 diagram
24. 4 nick­els = 2 paradigms

A long time ago in a far away land lived Nicholas the Dragon Slayer who was a mem­ber of the King’s court. He had a long-standing obses­sion to nuz­zle the beau­ti­ful Queen’s volup­tuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his col­league, Grym­bald the Physi­cian, who was the King’s chief doc­tor. Grym­bald the Physi­cian exclaimed that he could arrange for Nicholas the Dragon Slayer to sat­isfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

With­out pause, Nicholas the Dragon Slayer read­ily agreed to have Grym­bald the Physi­cian arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to sat­isfy his desires for the Queen.

The next day, Grym­bald the Physi­cian made a batch of itch­ing pow­der and poured a lit­tle bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she was tak­ing a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itch­ing com­menced and grew intense.

Upon being sum­moned to the Royal Cham­bers to address this inci­dent, Grym­bald the Physi­cian informed the King and Queen that only a spe­cial saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nicholas the Dragon Slayer had present the anti­dote to cure the itch. The King quickly sum­moned Nicholas the Dragon Slayer.

Grym­bald the Physi­cian then slipped Nicholas the Dragon Slayer the anti­dote for the itch­ing pow­der, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked pas­sion­ately on the Queen’s mag­nif­i­cent breasts. The Queen’s itch­ing was even­tu­ally relieved, and Nicholas the Dragon Slayer left sat­is­fied and as a hero.

Upon return­ing to his cham­ber, Nicholas the Dragon Slayer found Grym­bald the Physi­cian demand­ing his pay­ment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obses­sion now sat­is­fied, Nicholas the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less, and know­ing that Grym­bald the Physi­cian could never report this mat­ter to the King — shooed him away with no pay­ment made.

The next day, Grym­bald the Physi­cian slipped a mas­sive dose of the same itch­ing pow­der into The King’s loin­cloth. The King quickly sum­moned Nicholas the Dragon Slayer…

Moral of the story — pay your bills!

Miss Beat­rice, the church organ­ist, was in her eight­ies and had never been mar­ried. She was much admired for her sweet­ness and kind­ness to all.

One after­noon the pas­tor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sit­ting room. She invited him to have a seat while she pre­pared tea.

As he sat fac­ing her old pump organ, the young min­is­ter noticed a cut-glass bowl sit­ting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pas­tor tried to sti­fle his curios­ity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the bet­ter of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beat­rice,” he said point­ing to the bowl, “I won­der if you would tell me about this?”

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it won­der­ful? I was walk­ing through the park a few months ago and I found this lit­tle pack­age on the ground.

The direc­tions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would pre­vent the spread of dis­ease. And you know, I haven’t had a cold all winter.”

This mar­ried cou­ple was on hol­i­day in Jamaica. They were tour­ing around the mar­ket­place look­ing at the goods and such, when they passed this small san­dal shop. From inside they heard the shop­keeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You for­eign­ers! Come in. Come into my hum­ble shop.” So the mar­ried cou­ple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, “I have some spe­cial san­dals I think you would be inter­ested in. Dey make you wild at sex.”

Well, the wife was really inter­ested in buy­ing the san­dals after what the man claimed, but her hus­band felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The hus­band asked the man, “How could san­dals make you into a sex freak?”

The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Man.” Well, the hus­band, after some bad­ger­ing from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, some­thing his wife hadn’t seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the hus­band grabbed the Jamaican, bent him vio­lently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Get­ting screwed by a lawyer

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dig­ni­fied, well-dressed good look­ing man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Natalie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expen­sive ladies. Per­haps you would pre­fer some­one else,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Natalie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

With­out hes­i­ta­tion, the man pulled out ten 100 dol­lar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demand­ing to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row–too expensive–and there were no dis­counts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The fol­low­ing night the man was there again. Every­one was astounded that he had come for the third con­sec­u­tive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their ses­sion, Natalie ques­tioned the man. “No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.”

“Really” she said. “I have fam­ily in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attor­ney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

In leiu of actual con­tent, a smart blonde/dumb south­erner joke:

Bubba and Junior were stand­ing at the base of a flag­pole, look­ing up.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!!”

Jack decided to go ski­ing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack’s mini­van and headed north. After dri­ving for a few hours, they got caught in a ter­ri­ble bliz­zard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attrac­tive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I real­ize it’s ter­ri­ble weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently wid­owed,” she explained. “I’m afraid neigh­bors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and set­tled in for the night. Come morn­ing, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great week­end of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unex­pected let­ter from an attor­ney. It took him a few min­utes to fig­ure it out, but he finally deter­mined that it was from the attor­ney of that attrac­tive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remem­ber that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski hol­i­day up North?

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you hap­pen to get up in the mid­dle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a lit­tle embar­rassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you hap­pen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me every­thing.“
Con­tinue read­ing Thanks Buddy

Two cow­boys are out on the range talk­ing about their favorite sex positions.

One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo posi­tion the best.”

“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one”, says the other cow­boy. “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your girl­friend down on all fours and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands, and then you whis­per in her ear, ‘These feel just a lit­tle smaller than your sister’s’ … then you try to hold on for eight seconds.”

A senior cit­i­zen in Florida bought a brand new Mer­cedes con­vert­ible. He took off down the road, floor­ing it to 80 mph and enjoy­ing the wind blow­ing through what lit­tle hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mir­ror and saw a high­way patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flash­ing and siren blar­ing. “I can get away from him with no prob­lem,” thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mer­cedes, and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, look­ing at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 min­utes and today is Fri­day. If you can give me any rea­son why you were speed­ing, that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bring­ing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day!”

A pre­cious lit­tle girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweet­est lit­tle lisp between two miss­ing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wid­dle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a wid­dle white wab­bit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wab­bit, or maybe one like that cute wid­dle bwown wab­bit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans for­ward and says, in a quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

The Smiths were unable to con­ceive chil­dren, and decided to use a sur­ro­gate father to start their fam­ily. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby pho­tog­ra­pher rang the door­bell, hop­ing to make a sale.

“Good morn­ing madam. I’ve come to.…..”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expect­ing you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really?” the pho­tog­ra­pher asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a spe­cialty of babies.”

“That’s what my hus­band and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”

After a moment she asked, blush­ing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave every­thing to me. I usu­ally try two in the bath­tub, one on the couch and per­haps a cou­ple on the bed. Some­times the liv­ing room floor is fun too.…you can really spread out!”

“Bath­tub, liv­ing room floor? No won­der it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guar­an­tee a good one every time. But if we try sev­eral dif­fer­ent posi­tions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, my, that’s a lot of ..! ! .” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five min­utes, but you’d be dis­ap­pointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith mut­tered. The pho­tog­ra­pher opened his brief­case and pulled out a port­fo­lio of his baby pictures.

“This was done on the top of a bus.”

“Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tug­ging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out excep­tion­ally well, when you con­sider their mother was so dif­fi­cult to work with.”

“She was dif­fi­cult?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. Peo­ple were crowd­ing around four and five deep, push­ing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes,” the pho­tog­ra­pher said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was con­stantly squeal­ing and yelling I could hardly con­cen­trate! Then dark­ness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squir­rels began nib­bling on my equip­ment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned for­ward. “You mean they actu­ally chewed on your um…equipment ?”

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tri­pod so that we can get to work”

“Tri­pod??

“Oh yes, I have to use a tri­pod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? …Good Lord, she’s fainted!…

Just one of about 8 images attached to an email I received this morn­ing enti­tled, “If Women Ruled The World.”

These came to me via email today with the foll­wing lead-in:

> The Wash­ing­ton Post’s Style Invi­ta­tional once again
> asked read­ers to take
> any word from the dic­tio­nary, alter it by adding,
> sub­tract­ing, or chang­ing
> one let­ter, and sup­ply a new def­i­n­i­tion. Here are this
> year’s winners:

I thought some were kind of neat and wanted to pass them on. I also wanted to include the link to the Wash­ing­ton Post’s site for your enjoy­ment as well. A Google search quickly dis­cov­ers that I am not alone in want­ing to blog about these “new” words. After click­ing on a cou­ple of the links it is start­ing to seem like these may have been from 2003. They may not even have been more than one. Most inter­est­ingly I found ref­er­ence to these words from 1998! This is entirely pos­si­ble as it is a weekly item and they are up to num­ber 592 (mean­ing they started about 11–1/2 years ago.) Here is a link that will let you peruse the pre­vi­ous 100. With out fur­ther ado I present the rest of the email, 1–18 came today, the last 20 some odd I culled from the 1998 reerence:

1. Intaxi­ca­tion: Eupho­ria at get­ting a tax refund, which lasts until you real­ize it was your money to start with.
2. Rein­tar­na­tion: Com­ing back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone: The sub­stance sur­round­ing stu­pid peo­ple that stops bright ideas from pen­e­trat­ing. The bozone layer, unfor­tu­nately, shows lit­tle sign of break­ing down in the near future.
4. Fore­ploy: Any mis­rep­re­sen­ta­tion about your­self for the pur­pose of get­ting laid.
5. Cash­tra­tion: The act of buy­ing a house, which ren­ders the sub­ject finan­cially impo­tent for an indef­i­nite period.
6. Giraf­fiti: Van­dal­ism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sar­chasm: The gulf between the author of sar­cas­tic wit and the per­son who doesn’t get it.
8. Inoc­u­latte: To take cof­fee intra­venously when you are run­ning late.
9. Hipati­tis: Ter­mi­nal coolness.
10. Osteo­pornosis: A degen­er­ate disease.
11. Kar­maged­don: It’s like, when every­body is send­ing off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a seri­ous bummer.
12. Decafalon: The gru­el­ing event of get­ting through the day con­sum­ing only things that are good for you.
13. Gli­bido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The ten­dency of stu­pid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arach­nolep­tic fit: The fran­tic dance per­formed just after you’ve acci­den­tally walked through a spi­der web.
16. Beelze­bug: Satan in the form of a mos­quito that gets into your bed­room at three in the morn­ing and can­not be cast out.
17. Cater­pal­lor: The color you turn after find­ing half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
18. Igno­ranus: A per­son who’s both stu­pid and an asshole.
19. For­tis­si­moe: the musi­cal moment pro­duced when some­one seri­ally slaps the faces of the first-violin section.
20. Tatyr: a lech­er­ous Mr. Potato Head.
21. Dol­ter­geist: a spirit that decides to haunt some­place stu­pid, such as your sep­tic tank.
22. Con­ratemps: the resent­ment per­ma­nent work­ers feel toward the fill-in workers.
23. White­tater: a polit­i­cal hot potato.
24. Impo­tience: eager antic­i­pa­tion by men await­ing their Via­gra prescription.
25. Auto-da-feh: the exter­mi­na­tion of heretics via drown­ing in a vat of pus.
26. Stup­fa­ther: Woody Allen.
27. DIOS: the one true oper­at­ing system.
28. Writer’s tramp: a woman who prac­tices poetic licentiousness.
29. Tater­fa­mil­ias: the head of the Potato Head family.
30. Guil­lozine: a mag­a­zine for executioners.
31. Adu­latery: cheat­ing on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.
32. Suck­o­tash: a dish con­sist­ing of corn, lima beans and tofu.
33. Emas­cu­lathe: a tool for castration.
34. Bur­g­lesque: a poorly planned break-in.
35. Gen­i­tal­iar: an image-enhancing object that can be car­ried in a man’s front pocket.
36. Anti­fun gal: a prude.
37. Vase­ball: a game of catch played by chil­dren in the liv­ing room.
38. Eunouch: the pain of castration.
39. Hind­ker­chief: really expen­sive toi­let paper; toi­let paper at Buck­ing­ham palace.
40. Deifen­es­tra­tion: to throw all talk of God out the window.
41. Hozone: the area around 14th street.
42. Acme: a generic skin disease.
43. Hind­print: inden­ta­tion made by a couch potato.
44. Coi­terie: a very VERY close-knit group.

An old man was sit­ting on his front porch down in Louisiana watch­ing the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by car­ry­ing some­thing big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chick­ens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sun­set the boy comes walk­ing by and to the old man’s sur­prise he is drag­ging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chick­ens caught in it.

Same time next morn­ing the old man is out watch­ing the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by car­ry­ing some­thing kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.“
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sun­set the boy walks by com­ing home and to the old man’s amaze­ment he is trail­ing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morn­ing the old man sees the boy walk­ing by car­ry­ing what looks like a long reed with some­thing fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.

Old man says “Wait up.… I’ll get my hat.”