Friday afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection. When I was ready to pay for the pistol and some ammo, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!! I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
I still don’t think I looked that bad.….……probably just need to wear underwear more often!
Miata Top Transitions since 06/25/15: 203
Dan was a single guy living at home with his widowed father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.” Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Well, Yesterday was April Fools Day and it used to be kind of fun, but now not so much for a couple of reasons. One is just me, like a lot of things, I’m too old for that stuff anymore. And two every Tom, Dick and Harry business and internet site has got in on it has sort of saturated the prank market.
So now I have become sort of immune to the whole thing, jaded even. Which I why I thought nothing was amiss in an email I received from the folks who are producing the Bernie Sanders Action Figure at FCTRY promoting a Trump Vader Doll for free. Just click on the link. Bait dangled…
Free? I’m in. Click. Hook set. I’m taken to a cool page, there is a big red button that says reserve yours today with a little notation that reads ‘193 offers remaining.’ There is a big image of the figure, a list of features, further down the page is a video with a Star Wars like opening crawl, three buttons with Trumpisms in a Vader voice, and at the bottom is another red button to reserve your action figure with a notation that there are ‘192 offers remaining.’ …reeling in. Oh, man, they are going fast I better get in on this. I enter my email address and click on the button. I check my email…and…I’ve been had.
The page is still there, go check it out — http://trumpvader.us/
The Emperor ran past the 164,000 mile mark somewhere in the northwest section of Aiken,SC.
I had this joke forwarded to me today:
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are annoyed about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen.”
Looks to me like the wording has been altered in the first paragraph and the punch line…
Miata Top Transitions since 06/25/15: 31
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’ The fairy waved her magic wand and POOF! — two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish! So the fairy waved her magic wand and POOF! — the husband became 92 years old.
Moral of the story: Men should remember that fairies are female…
In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.
An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”