Cars

37,000 cc’s Of Gas

Today was the MMC Tech Day and we had a whopping 2 cars get worked on. I did the swap of the slightly stripped lug stud and President Dave had his throttle body cleaned and a remote oil filter mount installed. We had one person come to do some wrenching on others cars, Clunk. His partner Thunk showed up a couple times through out the day to help or hinder as needed.

My stuffing Club newsletters under unsuspecting Miatas in parking lots paid off as someone I had hit twice popped in for a while and visited. Might turn out to be a member, might not.

On the way home I stopped in a Quick-Stop to fill up and realized I had passed through the 37,000 mile mark on the way over. My first clue was the slight smell of gas as I parked by the pumps, I didn’t pick up on it. Clue number 2 was the speedi-dri crunching under my feet as I started to fill the tank, didn’t register. Clue number three was the sound of splashing fluid on the pavement, I got it. The automatic shut off on the nozzle I was using was broken. I stopped at $25.37 and I bet at least the 37 cents worth spilled onto the ground.

Started up, went down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/06: 80

Do You Think I’ll Live To Be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit?”

Pod People

You know they are among us. Just waiting for the right moment. How do they know who is one of them already? I know they can smell each other, but when they are driving cars, how do they know? Donna and figured it out tonight:

They only have one headlight working.

(For sun up recognition, it is one Daytime Running Light working and they seem to have a propensity for Chevy/GMC pickups and SUVs.)

Started down, went up, back down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/06: 28

South Carolina Math Test

SHOW ALL WORK!

  1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
  2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
    (A) ’65 Ford Fairlane ( B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) ’64 Pontiac GTO.
  3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
  4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
  5. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
  6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
  7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
  8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Best of 2005

January

Hot For Teacher

Friday the 7th

Due to yesterday’s train derailment and toxic chlorine gas spill, today was a day off for the Aiken County school kids because several local schools are now housing the displaced folks of Graniteville. But it was a teacher work-day, where the teachers reported to school to do, uh, work. On teacher workdays they get a lot longer lunch break so they can leave the school grounds and dine in local restaurants. I found this out when Donna and I walked into our favorite Friday afternoon off lunch place and it was packed. Several clues tipped us off that all these extra people were teachers, but what amazed me most was that a lot of these young women were very attractive, especially in their jeans and t-shirts. Funny, I don’t remember my elementary school teachers as being this hot. They were all old ladies.

Then logic took hold and I realized that when I was in elementary school my teachers were at least 20 years older than me, which would make them right about as old as these “girls.”

February

Every Husband’s Dream

Sunday the 13th

On the eve of Valentine’s Day I received every husband’s dream, wife sanctioned internet porn searching. Donna is a big fan of Trading Spaces and she heard/read somewhere that the hostess of the show, Paige Davis, was canned from the show for the discovery of a Paris Hilton style sex tape that was somewhere on the net. She asked me to try and find it. I answered promptly, “Yes ma’am, I’ll look in every filthy corner of the net for you.”

It didn’t take long to find out that the tape was not really of her. Or maybe it was the greatest cover up ever perpetrated, it was denied it was her, just someone who looks and sounds a lot like her. The tape may (or may not) be real, but apparently racy pictures of Paige at a gay male charity function are not – Paige Davis Gone Wild!

I may have not found anything tonight, but if she ever comes in and I’m looking at internet porn, I can just say I was looking for that Paige Davis tape.

March

Always Hoped That I’d Be An Apostle

Sunday the 27th

Knew that I would make it if I tried.
Then when we retire, we can write the Gospels,
So they’ll still talk about us when we’ve died.

Yesterday evening Donna wanted a nap, so I queued up the DVD of Jesus Christ Superstar and kept the sound down low. I really like this movie. I’m not sure if it just that I’m a child of the early 70’s and that is the style of music of my youth or is it because I saw a Broadway production of the play on a high school field trip and had great time in NYC, in spite of being left behind. Or maybe it is because we get the whole Jesus fable neatly wrapped up in an hour and 45 minutes.

Today on TCM I stumbled on the last 40 minutes of King of Kings and stayed. It was pretty fun to compare this 1961 “serious” take to the more irreverent JCSS telling of the same story.

April

Might As Well Just Say “I’m A Loser”

Thursday the 7th

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so the folks over at Girls Gone Wild HQ must be pretty happy. I stumbled onto an infomercial for a GGW knock-off this morning called Wild Party Girls. Instead of $9.95 for a video, really usually 2 because they throw in a “free” one, these guys are giving you two DVDs for Free!* (*$5.95 shipping and handling)

Not only are the DVDs free, but they are going to toss in a free hat. It is one of those foam trucker hats that have become, for some inexplicable reason, fashionable again. The hat is bright red with a white front panel. On that white front panel, in matching bright red lettering, are the words “Wild Party Girls.”

It might as well just say “I’m A Loser” on it. This thing screams, “Hey look at me, I’m a schlub! My idea of excitement is to watch girls expose their breasts.” The only purchasers of these things that can’t be considered perverts are the people who aren’t supposed to buy them in the first place, boys 17 and under.

Does the buyer of these types of videos think that if he wears that hat around, nubile young women will just lift their shirts and flash him, hoping to get a starring role in the next series of DVDs?

May

Office Supply Milestone

Thursday the 5th

At 7:38AM this morning I used the last staple from the box I was given when I started working here 505,267,200 seconds ago. To put it in easier to understand terms, I started working at ASCO Aiken on May 1st 1989, which was 5,848 days ago. Each box of staples has 5,000 staples, so I have used approximately .85 staples per day during my tenure here.

I know I don’t use too many staples in my job, but that isn’t much at all. I haven’t worked every single day straight through since then, so let’s do some, as my math idol Jethro would say, cipherin’. Assuming a 5 day work week, we can get much closer to a proper work day number by multiplying by 5 and then dividing by 7. This gives us 4177 or 1.20 SPD (staples per day). What about holidays? Good point, we get 9 paid days off here in Aiken, 9 times 16, so subtract 144 days from the total, giving me a 1.24 SPD ranking. How about sick time? I bet I miss on average 3 days a year for colds or flu or doctor things. Then there was the 2 week recovery from knee surgery in 2000. 3 time 16 plus 10, lets take another 58 days off. Best guess is I have used an average 1.26 SPD in my working here. I am so proud.

June

So If You Get Hurt And Miss Work, It Won’t Hurt To Miss Work

Wednesday the 29th

Our friend’s 11-year old son plays on a traveling baseball team. No, not like Bingo Long & 20 other guys in an old bus barnstorming the southeast, but more like 20 Chrysler minivans with rear seat entertainment centers filled with siblings who go from town to town all over the state every other weekend playing more teams just like themselves in tournaments. The teams have to pay to enter the tournaments and there are uniforms to buy and umpires to bribe and all manner of other expenses that are borne by the parents. To help offset these costs, they do what all kids are taught in school to do from an early age, they sell stuff.

The team’s current scheme promotion is selling raffle tickets to win a bat that has been signed by Yogi Berra. When we had a visit from them this evening to ask if we would like to take some chances, I asked, “Yogi Berra, isn’t that the guy from those Aflac commercials?”

Jared, just gave me as world-weary a look as an eleven year old could, like he had heard that a million times before and it wasn’t that funny the first time either, and nodded his head to say just fill out the back of the ticket fool.

July

All I Want For Christmas Is…

Friday the 29th

…is a subscription to People Magazine. Caught a blurb about this while channel surfing the other day and in this morning’s paper there was a small article about it too. Brittany Murphy will be the new Jordache jeans girl. It was said and written with almost breathless excitement, so I know that Brittney Murphy is a famous person, I just don’t know what she is famous for. Singer? Actress? Reality TV Show Star?

I feel so left out.

August

Temporary Exile

Wednesday the 3rd

The Miata is our daily driver, which is both a blessing and a curse. The really good part is that a fun car makes the most mundane drive enjoyable, even the one to work. The curse part occurs after spending the weekend, like we did this last one, driving the windy, twisty roads in the mountains, because when you return home it makes those mundane drives mundane again.

When driving in the mountains you spend a lot of time in 2nd and 3rd gear, winding the engine out close to the redline as the g-forces through you from side to side in the car. As you turn the wheel, the engine is singing and the car goes right where it is aimed. Occasionally you approach the limits of adhesion and the tires start to complain, but then you ease off the wheel and give it bit more gas and you swoop through the curve. Barely time to enjoy your accomplishment when you see which way the road bends next and set up for it.

Then you are home. Shifting gears returns to a more sedate 4,000 RPM level. All the curves are 90 degree bends on city streets taken at 20 MPH so as to not land in the back seat of the minivan in front of you. Sigh. I have said it before (I could have sworn I’ve said it here, but a search turns up nothing) this must be how women feel after giving birth, a sort of post partum depression.

I saw a commercial the other day on TV for Celebrity Cruise Lines. This older couple return from their cruise and all they can do is remember their “celebrity” treatment. “My butler knew just how I took my tea,” he says. “I had fresh cut flowers every day,” says she. My favorite part is the man is obviously back in his office and is trying to open some vertical blinds that aren’t acting right, “I like to think of this as a temporary exile,” he moans. That is what it is like for me to come back from a weekend driving in the mountains…

September

1 + 1 = 0

Wednesday the 21st

We recently had a city council election here in Aiken where there were 4 people running for the two open At-Large spots. It was really a Republican primary, but seeing as there were no Democrats interested in the offices, it turned out to be the actual election and every registered voter was eligible to vote. The hot button issue in the election was the unchecked growth in the city, particularly the south side.

As it shook out, the four candidates became aligned into two groups of two, one pair for limiting the growth somewhat and one pair for encouraging all the growth possible. As usual, quite a few front yards sprouted campaign signs and every lawn that had signs, had them in pairs representing one group or the other.

Usually when a candidate wins an election, the people who had signs up for the winner leave their signs up proudly. It could be to let us know how smart they are for backing a winner or it could be just rubbing the losing supporter’s noses in it. Heck, there are still a few Bush-Chenney bumper stickers on local cars…

How it happened I’ll never know, especially if the sign groupings were actually representative of the voting intent, but in the election, one candidate from each group won a seat. Within a couple of days after the election, 99.99% of the campaign signs were gone. I guess no one felt like admitting they were a half assed political prognosticator.

October

Question For English Majors

Sunday the 2nd

Is irony used correctly in the following sentence?

During a Cleveland Indian at bat in the fifth inning, with a fan pounding rhythmically on an Indian type drum in the outfield supporting an offensive rally, was the public address system operator being ironic by playing a recording of the bugle call Charge at the same time?

November

Shades of Milli Vanilli

Saturday the 12th

Due to circumstances beyond my control I attended the Aiken Kidney Benefit production of Oliver tonight. Cockney accent, nearly incomprehensible. Southern accent, sometimes difficult to understand. Residents of Aiken, South Carolina playing Londoners, unintelligible.

I can only hope there was a good reason for it, Fagin was lip-syncing his songs. At intermission I told Donna that I thought he was doing just that, but I wasn’t positive. In the second act Fagin has several solo numbers and it was confirmed in Ashlee Simpson-like fashion when the actor stumbled on a couple of words and the song never skipped a beat…

December

Lake City, Where?

Thursday the 22nd

When Donna and I planned this little Holiday trip we decide to take two days down and one back up. To pick a place to stay that was about half way I used the scientific method of stretching my finger from Point Aiken to Point Stuart and looked at a spot about half-way for the overnight stay, unfortunately that point was in the middle of the Okefenokee Swamp. Went a little past half, to make the second day’s driving easier, and settled on Lake City, FL. Made a reservation at the Holiday Inn Express there and started counting down the days until I would get a cinnamon bun for breakfast.

After we had eaten lunch and gone for a hike in the Little Ocmulgee State Park, Donna took out the reservation sheet for the Holiday Inn Express and went to check the directions to get there. For the life of her, no matter how hard she looked, she couldn’t find US52 nor US378 anywhere near Lake City, FL. It was then that she noticed the address on the reservation confirmation I had printed out, Lake City, SC. At first I thought it had to be a misprint, but then I noticed the hotel’s phone number and sure enough I recognized it as a SC area code. DOH!

Got on the cell phone and called Lake City, SC and canceled my reservation. Asked the clerk there to give me the phone number of the Holiday Inn Express in Lake City, FL. There was not an Express, but there was a plain ol’ Holiday Inn, with a vacancy, so we reserved a night there. I wasn’t going to get my cinnamon bun, but at least we would be staying in a room on the way to Stuart, FL not 300 miles away in the wrong direction.

Where There Is Fire – There Is Smoke

This afternoon, while chatting with Mark the CNC Programmer in his office at the back of the plant, one of the machine operators poked his head in and said, “I’m not sure what maintenance is up to, but there is a bunch of smoke coming out of the neighboring department.” Mark and the Turned Parts Supervisor, Marty, jumped up, grabbing safety glasses and followed saying, “Let’s go see what’s happening.” I followed them out the door and sure enough, to the right, the old Die Casting Department space was full of smoke. They headed towards it, but me, believing discretion is the better part of valor, turned left and came back up to my office. As I walked away, I was passed by a couple of our maintenance guys carrying fire extinguishers going towards the smoke filled department.

When I returned to my cube I told my neighbors to keep their coats handy as the fire alarm might go off any minute now. Being veterans of the previous plant fire they also gathered up car keys and lunch boxes in case it did go off and we weren’t let back in like last time. No alarm came. But after about five minutes a female voice came over the plant intercom saying, “There is no fire, but with all the smoke everyone please leave the building.” My wife called from her end of the front office and told me to meet her at the front door with her coat. I asked her why, was that an official notification for everyone to leave the building or just those who could see the smoke? We could even smell it up here. I went to give her coat figuring a little break from the afternoon might be nice. She wasn’t at the front door, but standing outside the Accounting Manager’s office chatting with her. When I got there Kaye asked me some computer question and we agued on where our new user name was used and where the old one was still valid while watching a small crowd gather on the front lawn. A fellow from maintenance, with the full powers vested in him by his walkie-talkie, instructed us that everyone was to leave the building. So we went to join the others.

We then spent about 20 minutes on the front grass watching the cars go by and wondering what the heck happened. The office types got to go back in first because we where the farthest away from the smoke. The hourly folks had to wait about another 20 minutes or so because it took them a while to get most of the smoke out of the plant.

It was a fire in one of the HVAC ducts in the old Die Casting Department. It was extinguished in a couple of minutes causing minimal damage, but boy did it fill the back end of the building up with white smoke.

Started up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 372

30,000 Orange Barrels

30,000 Orange BarrelsOn last night’s trip up to the mountains to spend the night, there was construction on US441 between Clayton and Dillard, GA. We must have past 30,000 of those orange construction barrels as the Emperor past through the 30,000 mile mark.

Yesterday morning I washed the car because we had a MMC event in the early afternoon. This was our Senior Drive. One of the Club members is the Administrator of the Elmcroft Assisted Living Center in Martinez. He and I concocted a scheme in which the Club would come over and take the residents who wanted to go on a top down Miata drive instead of their usual Saturday 8-passenger van ride. We had a perfect day for it too, lower 70’s and a cloudless blue sky. We had 5 cars and 5 passengers for the first trip and when 4 more people showed up, we did a second slightly shorter trip for them. The one fellow who I drove was so appreciative that I was embarrassed by it. This is definitely an item we should do at least once a year.

When we got up this morning in the north of Georgia it was in the lower 30’s and there was a layer of frost covering the car. We wimped out for the first couple of hours of driving. The leaves didn’t cooperate in the whole picturesque, blazing fall color, Norman Rockwell painting we had hoped to see, but you take what you can get and we got extremely patchy color. We even did a 20-mile segment of the Blue Ridge Parkway in hopes, but the colorful vistas never materialized. There was one short stretch of NC 215 coming down off the parkway that in a matter of minutes we went from bare trees to patchy color to green. Never the less we had a wonderful time in our 24 hours of the mountains. We got in a night away from home, a short hike in the woods, a look at a beautiful twin waterfall and miles of twisty roads.

Started down, went up, back down, back up, down again, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 343