Whatever

When we pulled into the local BMW dealer?s lot, the deputy sheriff pointed us to the right, with all the enthusiasm of a cigar store Indian, indicating where we should park. We exited the Miata and made our way over to the big tent to fill out the registration/waiver form and get our hand stamped. Someone offered up free fried chicken, but we declined having just had a big ol’ salad at Chik-Fil-A on the way over. We had preregistered online to drive a 3 Series convertible, a Z4 and a 6 Series convertible in that order. After they checked off our names from the online registration sheet, they asked if we didn?t mind driving the 6 Series convertible first as they had one sitting.

I had reserved a 630i, but that is really last year’s model, this was a 650i with the 360hp V-8. List base price is $78,800. Outfitted, as all these cars are, with several options that probably bump up the price by around another 5 large. It was misting lightly, so we probably wouldn’t drop the top, but asked how to do it just in case the sun came out. The fellow placing us in the car asked what kind of music we wanted and we told him none, so he told me how to turn off the radio. Mmmm, big comfy car and nicely appointed inside, this is how the other half lives. We left Taylor BMW?s lot and turned right on Washington Rd. Maybe a ? of mile later the loop turns right on Pleasant Home Rd. When we turned there was a freight train inching along perpendicular to us. Dang, hurry up and wait. It wasn’t really misting any more, so I held down the power top lower button and waited while it did its dance. First the front windows went down a couple inches, and then the header unlatched. The hard metal boot whirred up 90 degrees and the canvas folded, flipped and flopped back into the well. The hard boot lowered itself down shut. Took about a minute to complete the cycle. Seeing as the train hadn’t really moved in that time I did a u-turn, turned right on Washington Road and went up to the next right to get onto Riverwatch Parkway heading into downtown Augusta. Step on the gas and the big car squirts to a nice cruising speed of 70MPH. At that speed, with today’s chilly temps, the wind slapping you around is a bit much even with the seat heaters on, so I raised all the windows. I don’t remember if it went up because I raised all the windows or what, but the vertical back glass of the convertible top was now up too to act as a wind block. Unfortunately there is too much open space between it and the rear windows to keep the cold air from hitting you in the front. When we got to 15th Street the loop makes a left and then left again back onto Riverwatch to return to the dealer. About halfway back it was cold enough that I thought of maybe stopping after one loop and putting the top up. Not too much further up the road it started to rain. Did I mention the automatic rain sensing wipers? Our prep guy turned them on at the start and sure enough when the window got wet the wipers reached right up and flicked the drops off just like a horse’s tail rids the animal of flies. By the time we get to Fury’s Ferry Road and our exit from Riverwatch Parkway the rain is coming down pretty hard. We catch a red light, so I put it park and hold down the raise roof button. It took about the same amount of time to go up as it did down, but while raindrops are plopping on your head, it sure seems longer. For what ever reason the automatic cycle lowers the front windows to put the top up, but it neglects to raise them back up once the top is locked in the up position.

Safely inside and now a bit warmer we decide to drive right by the dealer and do another loop. Hey let?s turn on the radio. I get it back on, but it is Sirius satellite radio and whatever channel the last folks had it on is very displeasing to our ears. We now find out why we were asked in the beginning what kind of music we wanted; this car has a version of the infamous I-Drive. Neither Donna nor I can figure out how to access the radio menu to change a station. Finally I notice a couple of buttons near the on/off knob with arrows on them, thank goodness, seek buttons. After hitting them several hundred times we find something we can tolerate. Must be some kind of surround sound radio too as it seems like a lot of ambience is being generated by the rear speakers. Duh, about 3 miles later I realize that not only didn’t the side windows go back up automatically with the top, but neither did the back glass. That ?ambiance? was road noise coming in through the open window. Now that we have finally gotten everything back in it?s place and are comfortable, we take the car for another loop.

After three 15 mile loops in the big convertible, we get back and ask for a Z4. List base price $41,100. This time it is not raining so we put the top down before we even start. This is a little more like it, no I-Drive, just regular controls for radio, heater, etc. The loop starts just like the first, we catch a train at Pleasant Home, but the same u-turn trick works this time too. There is no clutch pedal, this car has the Steptronic Automatic Transmission, it has little paddle things on the steering wheel, but I can’t seem to make it shift using them, so I give up and just point and shoot. The interior is about 1.25 Miata interiors in size and a little more bathtubby feeling. We just can’t seem to find a comfortable way to hold hands while we cruise. Plus even with the windows up it is chilly inside the cockpit, but just to me. Donna is sitting low enough that she doesn’t feel the cold air pouring in from the back, I am getting a stream of air right in the neck, this car really needs some sort of wind blocker back there. After just one lap we turn it in for something else.

Donna wants a ride in the big SUV, so next up is an X5 4.4i. List base price, $53,600. Stepping up into the vehicle gets you a nice view of the road in front of you. Another very comfy interior. No I-Drive, but lots of little buttons on the dash with odd pictograms that look alike. I don’t even remember if we turned on the radio in this one. It has a giant sunroof and we immediately try to figure out which button operates it. Nothing on the dash looks promising, but there in the overhead is another panel with several knob/switch looking things. We can’t see the pictures, so we are hitting random things. I manage to figure that pushing back on a switch slides the sunshade back into the roof exposing the glass. Donna hits a button marked SOS and the radio shuts off and the sound of a dial tone fills the cockpit. Hmm? A computer generated voice then asks if we would like to complete our call to the BMW Assist Center, enter a test mode or end the call by saying goodbye. Uh-oh. Donna shouts bye! Which it doesn’t understand, so I pipe in with goodbye, but too late, we enter another level of who knows what. Now we are pushing more buttons in the ceiling, when finally again we get asked if we want to end our call, we both shout GOODBYE simultaneously and the computer voice says, ?Thank you. Goodbye.? Wheew. The radio comes back on and our pulse rates return to normal. I guess SOS had a different meaning besides Simply Open Sunroof? Donna then discovers how to really open the sunroof at the next light. When the light turns green, Brian hits the gas and accelerates to the normal Ultimate Drive cruising speed of 70 PH. Just as we are passing 60 MPH it sounds like a helicopter is about to land on the roof of the X5. Donna quickly closes the sunroof and the helicopter goes away. We must have done something wrong there; no way would the sunroof of a $50k vehicle make that kind of noise. The one on our late 80?s Honda Prelude was library quiet to well over 60MPH. Even though it does ride and go like a big-engined BMW should, it is still a tall vehicle and the sweeping curves of the Riverwatch Parkway makes it show some wallowy handling. It does ride so smoothly that we take two 15-mile laps in it. When we get back to the dealer I park it way on the end away from everything because I’m not too sure if I can fit it in between 2 other cars in a normal parking spot.

For this time out I want something a little smaller and sure enough there is a new 330i unoccupied with our name on it. List base price $36,600. I have always liked the looks of the 3-Series BMWs and in spite of the slight Banglization and this ones gray & pink color scheme, I liking the looks of this too. It has so far the nicest seat of anything we have been in so far. The steering wheel is just fat enough with bumps and spokes in just the right places. I could see me in one of these as an OTM. The acceleration is pretty good too. Not as good as the big V-8s of the X5 & 650i, but better than the Z4. By now afternoon traffic is picking up and we have been driving in circles for more than two hours, so we decide that one 15 mile lap in this car is enough and we think we’ll call it quits.

When we get back to the dealer Dominoes has delivered a bunch of pizzas in our absence. Donna and I split a piece. Even though it is chain pizza, in the chilly afternoon it tastes warm and delicious. We split a second piece. We spit an bottle of water. Fortified we decide to go for another loop. A 750i sits neglected and alone. A helpful volunteer puts in it. He says you’re going to like this ride. He has to show us where the seat controls are because instead of on the side of the seat like every other BMW the one in the 7-Series are on the console. Next he shows me the gearshift. Good thing too, because unlike the rest of the BMWs this looks like a little mailbox flag sticking off the steering column. Pull forward and push down for drive, pull forward and push up for reverse and slide button for park. The dreaded I-Drive is right there in the center console, but we’re lucky as the satellite radio is already on the reggae channel, so we probably won’t need to use it. He says have fun and closes the door. I get the gear shifted into drive first try and ease on the gas. Nothing. The parking brake must be on. There is no handle in the center console, no foot pedal, no handle down and to the left. Hmmm. Wait, there is a button on the left side of the dash with a big P in the middle. Push it and away we go. BMW USA HQ must be in New Jersey because all the cars have Jersey plates on them and I feel a little like Tony Soprano as I pull out onto Washington Road and head for the first turn, all that is missing is the cigar. As we start down Riverwatch Parkway I start to feel like Tony when he gets an anxiety attack. The driver’s seat is moving underneath me. First one cheek raises, then the other. Then the front of one side goes up and the other down. Whoa, what the heck is going on, must be some sort of massage setting in the seat. Donna then spends the next 6 miles trying to work the I-Drive knob to get it to shut off and keep me from squealing every time the massage action hits. No luck. At the halfway point of the loop when I get pointed back at the dealer’s lot I floor the car and before Donna can say, ?How fast are you going?? we are at triple digit speeds. I lift off the throttle and ease back down to a more sedate 80MPH. Awesome. It happened very fast and the car really didn’t feel like it was working to get there. Plus once there, it felt a lot like 40 MPH, except for the visual Doppler shift of the scenery as it blurred rearwards.

We parked the 750i after just one lap. We had driven 120 miles in 5 different cars in less than 3 hours and had had enough. The only thing left to do was go inside the showroom, take a sharpie marker and autograph this year’s signature car, a 330i.

This was the third time Donna and I have participated in this fun event for a good cause. I try and talk everyone I see into doing this and I can’t for the life of figure out why no one else ever does it. You get to drive some high zoot automobiles, there are always refreshments and BMW donates $1 to help fight breast cancer for every mile you drive. It is a win-win situation. Sign up. You won’t regret it. Go to the website or call the toll free phone number (1-877-4-A-DRIVE ) and register.