Jokes

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never danced, and I’ve never wanted too.”

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back.

The loud, audible double click’s carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, “Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?”

The young bully swallowed hard and said, “No sir, but I’ve always wanted to.”

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there. I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about “looking forward to a brighter tomorrow” and “the glory that is to come,” the workers began to say “Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory!” The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, “I ain’t NEVER seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for thirty years!”

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, “Les’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re twenty-four.”

“Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins EVERY time?”

The woman answered, “Heck no, there was hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. He jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

At that moment a drunk was walking by and the sheets landed right on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident, and barely containing his laughter, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, “Up or down?”

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down?”

The woman replied, “Down.”

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, “Up or down?”

She replied, “Up.”

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!”

She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up your brothers Peter and Willy from school.”