Jokes

“Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional nurse. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” the man said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

“I’m so sorry,” said the nurse. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem ?”

“It’s swollen,” the man replied.

WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

MAN
Between 1 and 70, he is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical establishment. For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She’s beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you…”

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I have been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches?” the husband asks,” What happened?”

His wife replies,” Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.”

“It worked! The headaches are all gone.” His wife then adds, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife!”

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why are you staring. And he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.

She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.”

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

(a little late for Halloween, but thanks Rae.)