Jokes

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can”t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age… I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” She processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat…
He says, “Where the heck are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a Tetanus shot..”

On a trip to the US, the Pope visits the coast of New England to enjoy the Atlantic Ocean crashing against the rocky shore. While there, he sees a man in a New York Yankees hat out in the water, calling for help as he’s being attacked by a shark.

Then, out of nowhere, Sully and Murph, wearing Red Sox shirts, come flying up in a speedboat, haul the man in the Yankees hat out of the water, and beat the shark to death.

As the three men come ashore, the Pope runs up to them and exclaims “I have always heard of the enmity between fans of the Yankees and Red Sox. But seeing what I have seen today, it renews my hope for all of mankind. Thank you, and God bless you!”

As the Pope rides off in his Popemobile, Sully turns to Murph and says “He seems like a really nice guy.”

To which Murph replies “Yeah, but he knows @*#!-all about shark fishing.”

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas & the man objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.