Jokes

The Hunting Party

Two hunters chartered a plane to fly them to Canada, to hunt moose, and they managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two hunters objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by all the moose bodies, both hunters survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, one asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”

He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Proof that Men Have Better Friends…

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Usually Happens To Me Around 8:00 AM

This morning there came the sound of laughter from the cubical next door. A pause. More laughter. Then #9 read out loud. Laughter. Number 11 out loud. Now laughter in two cubicles.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Started up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 10/24/08: 925

Walking Home From School

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.” Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No.” Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile!”

The officers turned to Andy and began to question him, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday” ….The police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

How Was Your Day?

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator…”

Fried Chicken

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, ?cause everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too … especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Ees, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon.”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it?”

“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush…..”