I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century,” she said. “I don’t waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad.”
I can tell you this……That fly never knew what hit him!
At a local high school, a group of students decided to play a prank by letting three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on the sides of the goats.
School administrators spent the rest of the day looking for a goat with a 3 on its side.
We got up early this morning and took a long walk in my sister-in-law’s neighborhood. While on the loop we found a couple of caches. Donna found both. The first one she walked right up to and made the find. On the second I looked and looked and didn’t see it. Donna stepped in right after I gave up on a spot and took one look. She immediately said, “I got it.”
As we were signing the log a older couple who were walking their dogs passed by and asked what we were up to. We told them about caching and the man said I’ve got something to tell you and he said:
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
“Oh my, I am sooo sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap… and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No, she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
I sighed at the pun, but Donna had the last laugh, as she said to him, “I thought you were going to tell us that is how you meet your wife.”
I had this joke emailed to me and though it would be a cute little space filler:
Several days ago as I left work, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search of my cubical revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition, but my theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered, I always call her “honey” in times like these, “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard my wife?s voice. “Honey,” she replied, she always calls me “honey” in times like these. “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
Her reply, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”
While creating wives, God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round…
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Albert, we won’t be long — easy, boy.” Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. “You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But, I’m Albert — the little bastard’s name is Steve.”
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s, 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat …and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
“Granny,” he asked, “It’s me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like me fa, his fa, and his fa before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled brown eyes and said, “Because your fa, your grandfa and your great grandfa were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya right eejit.
This wasn’t intended to be today’s post, but with March Madness in full swing, it just turned out that way.