Jokes – Page 23 – Life of Brian

Bambi Goes Hunting

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Calvin & Hobbes has to be my all-time favorite comic strip. I really hated that Bill Watterson stopped doing original strips a few years back, but I can definately sympathize with getting burnt out on something) and wanting to stop. Fortunately uComics.com is keeping the spirit of C & H alive by publishing the strip each day eleven years after they were originally printed in the paper. Every Monday when I come in to work I download the Sunday strip and post it outside on my cubical wall. This last Sunday’s is one of my favorites:

Calvin & Hobbes

Change One Letter

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

These came to me via email today with the follwing lead-in:

> The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again
> asked readers to take
> any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
> subtracting, or changing
> one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
> year’s winners:

I thought some were kind of neat and wanted to pass them on. I also wanted to include the link to the Washington Post’s site for your enjoyment as well. A Google search quickly discovers that I am not alone in wanting to blog about these “new” words. After clicking on a couple of the links it is starting to seem like these may have been from 2003. They may not even have been more than one. Most interestingly I found reference to these words from 1998! This is entirely possible as it is a weekly item and they are up to number 592 (meaning they started about 11-1/2 years ago.) Here is a link that will let you peruse the previous 100. With out further ado I present the rest of the email, 1-18 came today, the last 20 some odd I culled from the 1998 reerence:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.
Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Conratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Whitetater: a political hot potato.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Auto-da-feh: the extermination of heretics via drowning in a vat of pus.
Stupfather: Woody Allen.
DIOS: the one true operating system.
Writer’s tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.
Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Emasculathe: a tool for castration.
Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in.
Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man’s front pocket.
Antifun gal: a prude.
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.
Eunouch: the pain of castration.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Hozone: the area around 14th street.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.

Started down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 10

Holiday Eating Tips

Monday, December 13, 2004

1 – Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2 – Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3 – If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4 – As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5 – Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6 – Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7 – If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8 – Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9 – Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10 – One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

The Hat

Thursday, November 4, 2004

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old man yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat.”

It’s a-quiverin’…

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the bakery, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, “I’d like some raisin bread, please.”

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn’t placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?”

“No”, croaked the old man, “but it’s a-quiverin'”…

A Different Twist on Retirement

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Came via email (and I edited it a little):
Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing homes, care facilities and retirement homes and ALL the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan: I’m checking into A Holiday Inn. WHY?

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

Plus, I’ll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I’ll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I’ll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Holiday Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip & Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you & probably check in for a mini-vacation.

Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV — all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

NO electric bills, no water & sewer bills, No Cable TV bills, No Trash bills in fact some one each days comes and empties ALL your waste baskets, does the beds… straightens up the living room, bath room, kitchen and bed room along with making up the beds. There is no charge for a daily newspaper or for 24 hour security and SEVEN day a week maid service. Meals are from a REAL menu and there is 24 hour coffee shops, guests services, business room with Fax, copier and the like. Uh, did I mention most now offer FREE internet. Free towels at the Pool, Jacuzzi, spa and workout facilities.

Those of you worried about savings… forget about a horrendous Maintenance bill that looks like what rent use to be. Save your money when it comes to property taxes, school taxes, lawn care, house up-keep as in gardening and landscaping. Parking is FREE and secure and convenient especially if you are handicapped and are a LONG term resident customer. You can greet guests in the Lobby, reading area, party or function rooms and later take them out to eat without Going Back Out. Valet parking makes everyone feel special and on vacation. Everyone there greets you with a smile and by name within one week of staying there. You feel welcomed and that you belong to a Team and one of the staff. Everyone ALWAYS treats you with dignity and respect you will NEVER see at an institution.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you’ll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you’re getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room — your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out this idea of my plan. I’m happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate to $35 a night !

If you have special medical needs, just like if you were home… the nurses can visit you daily at the Holiday Inn, so can the podiatrist, the personal aid and assistant and even the PT therapist. On an extended stay for months, you can personalize your quarters with your own books, pictures and decorations.

Dial ZERO and you have a live voice only a few steps away that can respond to a request or offer assistance. The more I think about this and the thousands that can be saved and invested… why in two years you could be living FREE with a simple investment in Tax Free muni’s where the principle is never touched… You could have a 6 digit estate to hand down to your children in less than 10 years.

Now THAT is called LIVING… Seen any of the dozen Hawaiian Holiday Inns.. You would think you are in Heaven…

Monks

Friday, October 3, 2003

A man’s car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man’s story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.

The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him.

The monks said, “We’re sorry. We can’t tell you about the sound. You’re not a monk.”

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof.

The monks agreed and the man stayed.

Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound.

The monks said, “We’re sorry. We can’t tell you about the sound. You’re not a monk.”

By now, the man’s curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk’s face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.