Jokes

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they wiz behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she’d take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon. After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said, “This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties.”

“That’s nothing.” said the other husband, “Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said, ‘FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE’LL NEVER FORGET YOU.'”

I’ve got nothing, so here is a joke from my Maxim magazine that came in the mail today:

A trumpeter is hired to to play music for a movie, but isn’t told what the movie is about.Two months later he receives a notice that the movie will debut in an adult theater. On the night of the show, he wears a trench coat and shades to avoid being seen and sits in the back row of the theater next to an elderly woman. For the next two hours, he watches hardcore porn where the lead actress has sex with a dog.

“That’s nice,” she whispers back. “I just came to see my dog.”

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one”, says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, ‘These feel just a little smaller than your sister’s’ … then you try to hold on for eight seconds.”

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. “We’re sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” he shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen faced man said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”

“Oh my God!” he exclaimed. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12-twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs on her.”

Stunned, he demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”

The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day!”

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?”

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm,…or could he???

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1963. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, “What did you teach?”