Jokes

Ruin Sorbees

I received this joke at work via email and it had the following preface: This has been nominated for best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

The bit about “best email of 2005” got me thinking, sounded to chain letterish to me. Enter “Ruin sorbees” in Google and got 1,320 hits, all referring to this joke. Some postings were dated in 1999 and one even mentions this making the rounds in 1997… The joke is pretty much word for word (if that is what you could call them), but the lead-ins differ slightly. Each one references it being published in the Far Eastern Economic Review, but search there for the same term gives zero results. A check of my usual myth-busting sites has no mention of this at all. I suspect it may be even older than that because it seems a little too unpolitically correct even for 1997. Anyway here you go…

(To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.)
Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen?
G: Uh, yes, I’d like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow july den?
G: What?

RS: Ow july den – fry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like ’em? Scrambled please.

RS: Ow july dee baychem – crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: What?

RS: San toes. July san toes?
G: I don’t think so.

RS: No? Judo one toes?
G: I feel really bad about this,but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.

RS: Toes! Toes! Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we boter?
G: English muffin! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We boter?
G: No, just put the boter on the side.

RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter – just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?

RS: Copy…tea…mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.

RS: One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we boter and honey sigh, and copy…rye??
G: Whatever you say.

RS: Tend jew berry mud.
G: You’re welcome.

Kenny The Rooster

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. “I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.

Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh .. they’re getting closer.”

Jamaican Holiday

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Man.” Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

The Jamaican began screaming; ?YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!?

Started down, went up, back down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 273

Mars Attacks!

My boss at work is forever forwarding emails to the group.He is an internet newbie, so most of the stuff is recycled chain stuff. But I don’t tell him to stop because sometimes the jokes or pictures of scantily clad women brighten up my day. Plus I also get a chance to debunk them to the group by using a couple of the hoax/urban legend sites I keep bookmarked.

Today I got one that shouted at me in various colors and fonts that Mars will be passing the closest ever to Earth this August. Be sure and tell your kids and grandkids because it won’t get this close for another thousand years. Well, I remember that this actually happened 2 years ago, so I replied all asking where did I sign up for the time travel trip and linking to a page describing that this was an event that occurred in 2003.

After I sent that back, I starting reading the whole email and near the bottom was two pictures, one of the Moon and one of Mars about the same size. Underneath were words to the effect, “Starting at the beginning of the month you will be to watch Mars grow in the sky until it is the same size as the Moon to the naked eye, so enjoy the show.”

A little more research and I just had to sent out another email to the group addressing this statement. Mars is roughly twice the diameter of the Moon, 6878km vs. 3476km. For them to appear the same size to the naked eye Mars would have to be roughly twice as far from Earth as the Moon. The Moon is 368,500km from Earth, so doubling that (let’s round up a bit) gives us 800,000km. Lets switch to something we can grasp and convert the 800,000km to 500,000 miles. Mars would have to be 1/2 million miles away to appear the same size in the sky as the moon to the naked eye. Now 1/2 million miles sounds pretty far away, but at Mar’s closest approach to Earth two years ago, it was 35 million miles away. If the red planet finds a way to get that close to us, something is seriously wrong with our solar system. Nobody will be enjoying the show, they will be preparing to die.

Actually this October there will be another close approach. Mars will be a mere 43 million miles away and it will appear in the sky to be the size of a quarter viewed from an 1/8 of a mile away.

My cubical neighbors got to talking about what kind of effect the Martian gravity would have on Earth if it got as close as stated n that email. Back to the web for more research. The mass of Mars is 6.4219e23kg. The mass of the Moon is 7.35e22kg. That is a lot of zeros to try and type into Windows calculator, so seeing as we are just after the ratio, let’s divide 64.219 by 7.35. This gives the answer that the mass of Mars is 8.73 times that of the Moon. For Mars to look the same size in the sky as the moon it has to be twice as far away as the Moon. Because the force of gravity is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between two objects, the force of gravity of the Moon would be ? of what it is if it was twice as far away. So if it Mars that same twice as far away it’s effect would be 2.18 time stronger than that of the moon. I suppose that would make the tides twice as high. And if the Moon and Mars got close to aligning in the sky the tides would be 3 times as high as they are now.

Any Planetary Physicists out there feel free to chime and let me know how far off my calculations are.

Started down, went up, back down, back up, down again, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 237

3 Things That Are Certain In Life

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Getting screwed by a lawyer

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Natalie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Natalie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100 dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row–too expensive–and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. “No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.”

“Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

No-Legged Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t you?”

“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”

“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.

“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.”

“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.

“NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?”

“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….”

Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

Blogger’s Block Again

In leiu of actual content, a smart blonde/dumb southerner joke:

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked “What are you doing?”

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!!”

Started down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 187