Jokes

South Carolina Math Test

SHOW ALL WORK!

  1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
  2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
    (A) ’65 Ford Fairlane ( B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) ’64 Pontiac GTO.
  3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
  4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
  5. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
  6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
  7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
  8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Pay Your Bills

A long time ago in a far away land lived Nicholas the Dragon Slayer who was a member of the King?s court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Grymbald the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Grymbald the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nicholas the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nicholas the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Grymbald the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.

The next day, Grymbald the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Grymbald the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nicholas the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nicholas the Dragon Slayer.

Grymbald the Physician then slipped Nicholas the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nicholas the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nicholas the Dragon Slayer found Grymbald the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nicholas the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less, and knowing that Grymbald the Physician could never report this matter to the King – shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Grymbald the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into The King’s loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nicholas the Dragon Slayer…

Moral of the story – pay your bills!

Started down, went up, back down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/06: 22

Santa Must Have Copped a Plea

Or he had a very good lawyer because my laptop was delivered on Friday morning. I had it delivered to work because a signature was required and chances were no matter when it arrived I would not be home to sign for it. The plant was technically closed on Friday, but when that happens the Security Officer does the signing.

This morning after we had some muffins from the New Moon Cafe in downtown we drove out to the plant to pick up the packages.

First thing I did when I got it home was spend about 2 hours deleting all the extra crap that Dell tosses on the hard drive. Knocked the system tray icon tally from a dozen down to 4. It came with a built in wireless 802.11 b/g card. I guess my next purchase will be a wireless router so I can surf the web on the screened porch in the spring. It also had built in NIC so hooking up to a high speed connection in a hotel should be a snap. Should.

When Donna’s family was here over Thanksgiving one of her brothers brought his laptop, so he could check email, etc. When he plugged in the cat5 cable from my cable modem to his laptop he couldn’t get connected. I couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t work. He spent 3 hours trying all sorts of shenanigans and couldn’t make it connect. After a 2 hour dinner break he went back at it, while the rest of us watched “A Christmas Story” in the living room, after about another hour or so he managed to get it hooked up. I snickered to myself, thinking it couldn’t have been that hard, because he is some sort of computer geek in his own right. Well the jokes on me. Plugged the cable into my new laptop this afternoon and I can’t get it to connect either.

Checked all the obvious settings and can’t for the life of me see what is wrong. Guess I’m going to have to email my brother-in-law and see if he remembers what he did to get it to work…

Here’s Hoping You Have a Healthy Winter!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice,” he said pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know, I haven’t had a cold all winter.”

Circle Flies

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, “Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are. I never heard of Circle flies.”

So the cowboy says, “Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they’re called Circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, “Are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The cowboy says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The trooper says, “Well that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

Spreading The News

An elderly man entered into a confessional booth:

Man: “I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years; many children; grandchildren; and even a couple of great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel where I had sex with each of them twice.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Presbyterian.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m telling everybody!“

Up in Sin Jahn’s

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Newfie. “Back home in Sin Jahn’s there’s the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie’s claims, but he swears every word is true. “Well,” said the Englishman, still suspicious. “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not me meself, personally, no,” admitted the Newf. “But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”