Jokes

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?”

The mother replies, “Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

“You’re wasting your time.” says the boy.

“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled?

“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!”

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat.

It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner and asks, “How much for the bronze rat?”

The owner replies, “$12 for the rat and $100 for the story”.

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street.

This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

“Ah ha,” says the owner, “you have come back for the story?”

“No,” says the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze [insert current villainous group here].”

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. The man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.” He disappeared into the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific!”

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed and said, “They’ll be ready tomorrow.”

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted.

A few moments passed … “An ambulance just drove by”

A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson ‘s have company”, he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike…..”

A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving”

“Jason is on his skate board….”

A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex !!”

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they are having sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.”

The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were “bad” words. Among those initiated to the category was “suck” (when not referring to the principle of suction).

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.

“What was the bad word he said?” asked the teacher.

“I can’t say it.”

“It’s ok to tell me, you won’t get in trouble for it.”

“No, it’s too bad, I don’t want to say it”

“Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?”

“Well… it rhymes with ‘fuck'”