Jokes

First Dance

A wedding took place just outside St. John’s, Newfoundland. In keeping with tradition, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming row. They began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

The police got called in to break up the fight and the following week, all members of both families appeared in St. John’s court. The fight continued in the courtroom until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, “Silence in the Court!”.

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stood up and says, “Your Honour, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened”.

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is tradition at a St. John’s wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, “Okay. Continue.”

“Well, said Paddy, “after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I danced to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when all of a sudden – the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.”

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, “Lord Jesus that must have hurt!”

HURT?” Paddy replies, “HE BROKE THREE OF MY FINGERS !!!!!!”

Max and Ralph

Two very elderly friends, Max and Ralph met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Ralph didn’t show up. Max didn’t think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Ralph hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore was at the park, and Max could not remember where Ralph lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Ralph had gone to his heavenly reward. But one day Max went to the park and, lo and behold, there sat Ralph. Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud Ralph, what happened to you???”

Ralph replied, “I have been in jail.”

Jail???,” cried max! “What in the world for???”

“Well,” Ralph said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we get coffee sometimes?”

“Yeah,” said Max, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’.”

“The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.”

It’s All In How You Ask

Got nothing to say tonight, so in lieu of actual content here is an oldie, but goodie (relatively speaking), that Mark forwarded to me today.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips ‘ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Started up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/07: 27

Old Old Joke

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen” he replies.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he shuffled into the kitchen, grumbling all the way.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says – “Where’s my toast?

Started up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/07: 11

Cha… Cha… Changes

Sometimes I post jokes here that could be considered raunchy or of an R-Rated nature (like yesterday’s.) Because my wife, family, friends and possibly some impressionable youths read this blog, those kinds of jokes may not be appropriate for front page viewing. I will still post jokes, even those in questionable taste, but they will not show up on the main page. You will still be able to access them via the jokes link in the category listing. So you will know I’ve added something new, I’ll put a heads up in the daily post somehow.

Also new today is an “Eating Out” category. It will be for keeping track of how many times we dine out. In each post I’m going to tell you where, what and how much. As an added bonus, I’m going to keep a running total of how much we spend., kinda like the Top Transition thing.

Home Depot Scam

A “heads up” for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month or so I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you!

Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I’ve had my wallet stolen December 2nd, 9th, 10th, twice on the 29th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So be careful.

Florida Trip Photos

I took about 114 photos on our trip to Florida and back, but most of them are dreck. The ones I took inside the aquarium came out blurry or dark. Because a flash would just reflect back off the glass I turned it off, so in the hand held shots (I steadied the camera against something) the fish appear as blurs because the little buggers won’t sit still. I took a few at the railroad roundhouse museum, but the light was wrong or the caution tape keeping you out of certain places was prominent in the frame… I think if I have ten worth posting in a gallery I’d be lucky, so I probably won’t bother.

Donna had a list of state parks that we were going to use as breaks by visiting on the trip down, but the weather was so cloudy, cold and windy that when we did venture out of the car, it was not for very long. On the way back the weather was a little nicer, so we did take a walk around a park in northern Florida. The most interesting photo from that was this tree that had a whole flock of woodpeckers on it: