Jokes

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says “Hey Koala! What are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few tokes.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard, helps him to the side and asks the little lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, “Hey Koala!”

So the koala looks down at him and says: “Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude……how much water did you drink???”

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the Secretary,” I would like to join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Church.”

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.?

“I see,” said the pastor, “and is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, “Fishing or Sex?” and she said, “Wear sun-block.”

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

He whispered back, “I found the remote.”

Bubba & Skeeter were fishing one day when Bubba pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Skeeter for a light.

“Shure, I got a lighter,” he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

“Jiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Bubba, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. “Where did you git dat monster??”

“Well,” replied Skeeter, “I got it from my Genie.”

“You gots a genie in dat tackle box?” Bubba asked.

“Yep, I shure got one. It’s right here in my tackle box,” says Skeeter.

“Could I see him?”

So Skeeter opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Bubba says, “Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your Master, will you grant me one wish?”

“Yes, I will,” says the genie.

So Bubba asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bubba sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is soon filled with the sound of a million ducks … flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Bubba yells at Skeeter.

“Jumpin’ Jiminy Crickets! I axed for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

Skeeter answers, “Yup, I forgot to tell you dat genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I axed for a 10-inch Bic?”

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

“Oh my GOD!” exclaimed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, “I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, “Same illness, better health plan.”