Jokes

Sarah, a widowed Jewish lady, was sunbathing on a beach at Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you today?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely. Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks her, “Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man and he asks the same question, “Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.

The next morning there is a knock at the door and both run for it. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it.” She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a vagina?”

“Yes,” she says.

The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “Alright”, Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with!”

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”