Jokes

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

“You disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me…a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you.. I want a divorce!”

He replied, “Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead”, she sobbed , “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So he began – “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.”

He took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

“Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled.

The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come.

He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is, “Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — you could lose your ass.”

A man wakes up the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but… something unfortunate happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.’

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

The man perks up at this.

‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have,’ says the man.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has,’ says the man.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re getting a new kitchen.’

Fluctuations Noun; plural

When I got back from Canada last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. It was a short line with just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars, and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, “Why it change? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty? Why It change?”

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian guy said, “Fluc you white people too!”

A young man goes into the Job Center in Charleston, SC and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more

“Can you give me some more details about this?” he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies – “Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Savannah, GA. That’s about 120 miles from here.”

“Oh, why? Is that where the job’s at?”

“No sir – that’s where the end of the line is…!!”