Jokes

Pancakes

Mom and Dad took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel was in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

“Gee, Mom,” the boy exclaimed. “Are those all for me?”

“Take two,” Mom replied, “The rest are for your dad.”

What’s The Difference?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from a big city and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from this small town. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense.

The deputy says,” License and registration, please.”

“What for?” says the lawyer.

The deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Then the lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop.? says the deputy, ?License and registration, please.”

The lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

“The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!” the Deputy says.

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

“That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,” the deputy says.

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

Little Old Lady Entrepreneur

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh, really? Damn!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game; a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes!’ ”

“Well, that seems only fair,” laughs the cop. “Ok, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

Lie Detecting Robot

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.

“Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched an R-rated movie.”

“I am ashamed of you, son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Watch the Watch

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family five or six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Shit,” said Claude.

It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home.

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is talking about science to her 3rd grade students. ‘Human beings are the only animals that stutter,’ she says.

A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,’ she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well,’ she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.

‘It sure was,’ said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… And before he could say ‘Fuck,’ the Rottweiler ate him.

Take Me To Your Leader

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during all my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.”