Best Of

Best of 2004

January

Dueling Car Washes

Monday the 19th

On the way home from grocery shopping yesterday afternoon I decided it was time to wash the car. We had just driven home from Hilton Head in the rain that morning and the car looked ugly.

Just a couple of days before I bought the new Miata, our neighbors got themselves a new “car” too (the word car is in quotes because they bought a Dodge Durango.) When we pulled into our driveway, Omar was in his, washing the Durango. He had his bucket and sprayer and was going to town.

I parked the car in the driveway and we unloaded the trunk of groceries. I came in and swapped a load of clothes (taking one out of the dryer, putting the one from the washer into the dryer and reloading the washer.) I then went back outside with my bucket and sponges to wash our car. By now Omar has been at it at least 15 minutes and I didn’t know how far along he was, but as I filled the bucket with water I hollered over saying, “I bet I’m finished before you are.”

I washed the Miata from top to bottom, stem to stern. I rinsed it off a second time with a low pressure stream to aid in sheeting the water. I dried the car. I shook out the mats. I wiped off the interior dust with a damp towel. I washed the windows inside and out with Windex. Finished, I pulled the car into the garage. When I walked back out to get the bucket and reel up the hose, Omar was just finishing up washing the back of the vehicle, all he could do was shake his head and smile.

February

Is That A Snack? Gonna Share?

Thursday the 12th

Every morning for nearly all our married life, my wife packs up my lunch for me. It usually consists of a fresh made sandwich, a soda, some cookies in a plastic sandwich bag, a few ounces of carrots in a sandwich bag, half an apple cut up in slices in a sandwich bag, some raisins or maybe grapes in a plastic sandwich bag and a snack pudding. I kind of graze all day, grabbing a plastic sandwich bag of something every couple of hours. I’m a lucky guy.

Donna recently changed purses, replacing an old one with something a little smaller. She used to keep all her make-up stuff in a see-thru case on one side of the old purse for easy access. Donna would take it out and “fix her face” as I drove us to work each day. The see-thru thing was a little too big for the new purse and not wanting to lose the ability to see what she had; Donna put the make-up stuff in a plastic sandwich bag. Now, each morning on the commute when she pulls out that sandwich bag, I, having been conditioned like Pavlov’s dog from years of snacking from those same types of bags, don’t think lipstick, but cookies, etc. I don’t have to see it, just hearing that faint rustling sound and I wonder if she will share some of that food with me.

March

Painting The Town Garnet Red

Monday the 29th

I bought a new car in November. They sent me a survey to fill out rating my experience with the purchase. I thought about throwing it out, I now swear that thought is true, but Mazda thinks I filled it out. As a way of thanking me they sent me a bottle of touch-up paint. That was the end of January. About a week later I got a second bottle, it was packaged differently and included a couple of other items, but the main content was a bottle of touch-up paint. This last Saturday, a familiar envelope arrived in the mail, that’s right, another bottle of touch-up paint. So Sunday I emailed them:

From: “Brian Bogardus”
To:
Sent: Sunday, March 28, 2004 10:35 AM
Subject: Stop it. You are creeping me out.

Dear Mr. Customer Assistance,

November 24, 2003 – Purchase a new 2003 Garnet Red Miata

January 28, 2004 – Receive bottle touch-up paint as a thank you for filling out a survey I swear I threw in the trash, but must have completed.

February 7, 2004 – Receive a second bottle of touch-up paint inside a miniature steering wheel replica along with some other things, including a letter that welcomes me to the “Emotion of Motion.”

March 27, 2004 – Receive a third bottle of touch-up paint with what looks like the exact same letter as accompanied the first bottle.

Thanks for the first bottle as I already have had a use for it, but stop already, one more bottle and I’ll be able to paint my wife’s Civic Garnet Red to match the Miata. If you feel a further need to thank me for buying your product a $10 gas card or similar would be nice to offset the cost of the required premium fuel.

Sincerely,
Brian Bogardus

Today I got a reply:

From: “CustomerAssistance”
To: “Brian Bogardus”
Sent: Monday, March 29, 2004 04:33 PM
Subject: Re: Stop it. You are creeping me out. (KMM203077V95587L0KM)

Dear Brian,

Thank you for contacting Mazda North American Operations. I appreciate the opportunity to respond to you.

Thanks for alerting us to the additional, unintentional mailings that you received. I have forwarded your comments to our Marketing contacts to ensure that no further welcome packages are sent.

Again, thank you for contacting Mazda. It has been my pleasure to assist you. Please feel free to reply to this message with any further questions or comments.

Please take a moment to give us your opinion about our e-mail service. Click the link below to complete a brief, online survey.

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?T8SY3YKAT109GH3CPK39V6

Regards,

William Zdan
Specialist, Customer Assistance E-Business

Oh no you don’t, filling out a survey is what got me into this mess to begin with…

April

Lemonade

Wednesday the 7th

On the way home this afternoon when we got to the exit of the parking lot at work, Donna said, “Go left.” As we normally go right, that phrase meant, let’s take the long way home. This is a great stress reliever for both of us, I like the drive and Donna likes the ride.

I proceeded to wind my way home via some of our usual back roads. It was a warm afternoon, but it felt good to be out driving around. The dogwoods are blooming along with the azaleas and everything that is not flowering is turning green. Even though there were a few more cars on our route than usual they didn’t diminish our enjoyment. About 3 miles from home on a relatively lightly trafficked road we passed a little girl selling lemonade along the side of the road. We looked at her as she looked at us as we went by.

It is spring break for the local schools this week and both Donna and I envisioned this little girl telling her mom she was bored and her mom saying, “Why don’t you go sell lemonade out in front of the house,” in an effort to keep her entertained and get her out of mom’s hair.

We got about 200 yards down the road and Donna said, “Do you have anything smaller than that ten?” I pulled out my wallet and sure enough there was a single in there too. We turned around in a driveway a little further along and headed back. The lemonade was 50 cents a glass, so we bought two. We drank it right there at the side of the road and chatted with her a bit. It was from a mix and not too cold, but it did hit spot. When finished we turned around in her driveway and drove off with a wave and toot of the horn.

I think we kind of made her day, I know she made ours.

May

3 Laws of Humanity

Wednesday the 26th

I’ve always been a lover of sci-fi. Growing up I had a few favorite authors and one of them was Isaac Asimov. I was eagerly awaiting this summer’s release of a movie based on his robot stories, I Robot. After seeing the first trailer with it’s The Who soundtrack and it’s Apple-likeness (I wonder how much they had to pay Steve Jobs for that?) I was stoked. But the newer ones aimed at drawing in the action crowd seem so against type from my memories of Asimov’s books/stories that maybe I won’t enjoy the flick at all. That may just be me though, as from all the trailers the movie looks awesome.

All this got me thinking about those 3 Laws of Robotics the Asimov wrote way back when. Maybe, just maybe, this world would be a lot better place if we just changed the word robot in them to human being:
1) A human being may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2) A human being must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3) A human being must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

June

Exciting Day At Work Today

Monday the 21st

I got my new electric pencil sharpener. This puppy’s got a cord, no more wimpy, battery operated, hold it just so, slow poke. This thing will make dust of a full size pencil in just under 2 minutes. I know, I timed it.

July

Of All The Gin Joints…

Saturday the 3rd

…in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

The Master’s Miata Club was “hosting” a cruise in at the Sno Cap Drive-In in North Augusta tonight. We had about 8 of our cars and a smattering of other cars in attendance. About halfway through the evening, in pulled a blue Miata that wasn’t a club member. Hey, wait a minute, that car looks familiar. Sure enough, it was our old car. I went over and said hello to the new owner Shannon Vick and her son. She and he were in North Augusta and he suggested going to the Sno Cap for something to eat. They had no clue that we would be there. Boy that sure is a pretty car.

You must remember this;
A car is still a car,
A sigh is just a sigh ?
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

August

You People Are Pathetic

Sunday the 29th

While watching Fox News this morning I could see some people on the sidewalk out the window behind the anchors. The usual suspects were there, including a couple of folks that deserved to be culled from the gene pool.

Person #1 is holding up a piece of cardboard of about 12″ x 24″ and he is holding it up so his message will be broadcast all over America and possibly the world. Only trouble is that he probably wrote the message in 1″ high letters with a ball-point pen. You couldn’t tell if there was anything on the cardboard all. I didn’t get your message dummy and no one else did either.

Person #2 has a cell phone in her one hand and is waving madly with the other. She has obviously called someone she knows, to tell them she is on TV, because when the camera moves or zooms the person on the other end directs her which way to move so she can still be seen waving madly. It takes them a couple of times to get it right, because when she should move to the left, she goes right first. They finally get very adept at this so she can be seen waving madly constantly in the background whenever the one anchor is talking. She even manages to duck appropriately to get underneath the LIVE banner that appears periodically in the upper right hand corner of the screen. I hope she was on her way to a Cuddle Party because she needs some attention.

September

How Cheap Can You Be?

Wednesday the 8th

As a favor for a friend I sell his Brake Lite Blinker to out of the country buyers. He doesn’t want to make a trip to the Post Office and fill out the customs forms, etc.

Tonight he forwarded me a request from someone in Canada. He had a few questions about size and power, etc. His last question was would I list the value of the item as $10 so he wouldn’t have to pay as much customs duty on them. Come on, the things are $15 to begin with. How much can he be saving on duty? I wrote him back:

I’m sure there is a very miniscule chance of anything bad happening to me if I did that, but for all I know you actually work for the U.S. Customs and are trolling the internet looking for violators of federal law, so, no I won’t do that. They are valued at $15 US each. Sorry.

We’ll see if he still wants them after that…

October

Didn’t You Check That?

Friday the 1st

The Emperor is in the shop for a Technical Service Bulletin relating to the clutch, so I was given a Mazda Tribute as a loaner the other day. When I was driving with it back to my house, about 5 miles from home the low fuel light came on. The light was on, but it still read about a 1/8 of a tank. Not knowing which one of these indicators was more correct, I decided to put $5 worth of gas in it. The 3 gallons approximate, sent the needle to just below a 1/4 tank and ought to be enough to get to work and then to Rader the next day. Not only is this Cute Ute low on gas, but it is filthy too, I think the last person to borrow it was testing it’s off road capabilities. Not only do they not check to see if there is gas in it, they don’t even take enough pride to wash it off or vacuum it out before they loan it out to someone else.

About 8:15 AM this morning Kelly, my service “advisor”, called to say the Miata was ready. Seems as if the technician finished up just before going home yesterday. I told her I’d be over as soon as I got off work and mentioned she should get five bucks from petty cash to reimburse me for the petrol. I made it over to Rader a little after 5 to get my car. Kelly went off to get someone to bring it around. While we waited I popped upstairs to run the Master’s Miata Club newsletters through the postage meter. When I came back down the car was there, but she didn’t have neither the $5 nor the paperwork. She couldn’t find the paperwork because the tech who did my work was not in today (no wonder he finished up yesterday, he knew he wasn’t coming in.) She also said she would have to talk to the service manager on Monday about getting the money to me. We ran through this routine when I wanted to get reimbursed for the tow charges on the 95 when the timing belt broke. I wonder if it will take nearly two weeks again?

When it was time to go, I got in the Miata, dropped the top and crept out of the dealership lot, the clutch felt real smooth. Hung a right onto busy Washington Road and sped off the 1/2 mile before turning off. A short stretch and then right on Riverwatch Parkway to head home. As I got up to speed and shifted into 5th I looked down to check my speed and discovered I was going ZERO MPH! The speedometer cable is hooked to the transmission, I bet my just finishing up in time to go home technician had forgotten to hook up the cable correctly (or not at all.) Hang a right and then another and pull back into the service area. It is 5:35, they go home at 6, so I figure we can get this done and I’ll be on my way. Wrong. The advisors stay until 6, the techs go home at 5:30, so there is no one there to fix my speedometer. Luckily, they work on Saturday morning, so it should be solved tomorrow. I put the top back up on the Miata and Kelly gives me the keys to the Dark Teal Metallic Tribute, again.

I get 5 miles from home and the low fuel light comes on, again…

November

Apologies

Tuesday the 2nd

I feel that I have to post something here tonight besides the joke from earlier. Although I found it extremely funny when I got it via email this morning, I don’t want all 4 of my readers to think that I didn’t take today’s election seriously. In yesterday’s post I recommended you vote an obscure 3rd party candidate, well that was sort of tongue-in-cheek and advice I didn’t follow. Although, I did vote for the candidate that every poll in the country is calling an obscure 2nd party candidate in South Carolina.

I just couldn’t endorse a man who got us into this Iraqi mess just because the whole Middle East war thing worked so well for dad. Instead I picked a guy who supposedly roots for my favorite baseball team, but can’t name anyone on it (and when he tried he combined the first name and last name of two players) and when he threw out a ceremonial first pitch at a Yankee Red Sox game last July, used the pitching motion of a little girl and couldn’t even make it to the plate without bouncing it while throwing from in *front* of the mound.

I leave you with a quote George Will used to lead off his column in this week’s edition of Newsweek:

PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom, and of whom only, it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President. – Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary” (1911

December

Dream On

Wednesday the 1st

Just saw a commercial for the new Buick LaCrosse with the background song of Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” Good song, IMHO much better than their more current work, I can only hope that the same is true for Buick. Somehow though I can’t imagine that that car will be the car of anyone’s dream.

This is not the first time Buick’s advertising has dipped into the classic rock bag of tricks to try and sell cars. I don’t know how many more Rendezvous they sold because of the pairing of that SUV with Edgar Winter’s “Frankenstein”, but I thought the song was dead (no pun intended) on right for the vehicle. It looked like it was made various parts of other cars and pieced together to form a whole vehicle, but it wasn’t cohesive.

Best of 2003

January

Naught Plus Naught Equals Double Naught

Wednesday the 1st

Bonus rant today. Just as I was finishing up my last post, my wife told me we had to go to the store, seems we were plum out of plastic sandwich bags. As we were checking out, our cashier was so busy flirting with the bag boy that she didn’t notice my wife had written the check over so we would have a bit of cash. When Donna said I wrote it for $20, the cashier re-opened the draw and took out a 20. Nope, she corrected, the total check was for 20, so I should get the change. Our cashier tries to use the cash register to figure out how much change we should get back, but it wouldn’t do that because the order was closed.

Now perplexed, our cashier calls for back-up. The new girl shows up and realizes what needs to be done, she gets her pen out and writes 20.00 on the top of the receipt and then puts 14.30 under it and proceeds to subtract – her answer 6.30!?! At this point I say we should get 5.70. Our original cashier says, “Really?” Yes, really. At this point the bag boy pipes in with, “Yeah, 30 plus 70 equals a dollar.” Thanks Einstein. These folks must have studied under the eminent mathematician, Jethro Bodine of Beverly Hills, CA.

February

Holiday Inn III

Friday the 7th

When we check in, the clerk gives us room 231 and some vague directions on how to get there. Off we drove to the back of the complex, noticing that the place is nearly empty. When we get to our room it is right at the top of the stairs. If you walk straight ahead after the last stringer you would bump right into the door of the room. There are 2 room locations in a motel you should never stay in; 1) next to or across from an ice machine and B) at the top or bottom of the stairs. Both spots are notoriously noisy because of the people traffic (they wouldn’t be so bad if people were still considerate of others, but that is a whole ‘nother blog post.) We headed back to the front desk and ask for a room 2 or 3 doors away from this one. The clerk, after making a big show of checking for empty rooms, gives us a key to room 233. When we get back to our new room it is not 2 doors away, but merely one. Not only is it not far from 231, it is an adjoining room! The doors are literally 6″ apart. Seeing as the place was empty we decided not to try for room #3, knowing that if we did he would put us next to the weight room or guest laundry next…

March

If I Only Had A Brain

Friday the 14th

At work they have this bulletin board where they post all kinds of things for public consumption, a list of Activities Committee events, birthdays that month, etc. On the list of heath related items for March are several things, including that this is National Brain Awareness Week (10th – 16th.) Huh? We need to be reminded of that. Well, now that I think of it, I know quite a few people that need constant reminders to use their head for something besides a hat rack.

April

Undetermined Fibers

Sunday the 13th

On a whim we decided to replace the area rug in the dining room. Off we went to our favorite rug store, Lowes. We have hard wood floors and they really need refinishing, but we just cover them up with cheap $100 8 x 10 rugs. All the others are just plain tan/beige things, but this time we went with a pattern that has most of all the colors in the wallpaper and curtains. Fortunately today was sunny so we could get this rolled up rug home in the family pick-up truck, the Miata. On the way home we had to stop in a mini-mart for a quick item. Donna ran in and left me in the car guarding the rug (like anyone would steal a 9′ long, 12″ diameter roll.) While lolling around waiting I noticed the tag on the rug, underneath the plastic wrapper, it said, “Contents: 100% undetermined fibers.” Soda bottles? Tires? Mattress stuffing? Barbershop floor clippings? I think I’ll keep my socks on.

May

Every Man Has His Price

Tuesday the 6th

Rainy day. Tonight after work was a busy one, first it is our every 4 week haircut appointment and then we had just time enough to get a bite to eat before going to 2 hour class on the basics of understanding stocks. It was put on by a local Edward Jones Investment Advisor and was intended as an intermediate course in evaluating stocks. I wasn’t interested in going, but Donna said she’d pay me $25 to go with her, so I did. Every man has his price and fortunately for her, mine is really low.

June

Now That’s Italian

Friday the 27th

On our way up north to meet sis and hubby in North Carolina. The most interesting thing of the whole drive occurred just outside of downtown Aiken on Laurens Street. Just as we were passing the post office a small gray object fell rapidly from the sky above us and hit the road a few inches in front of the nose of the car with a splat. As I looked in the rearview mirror I could see the squirrel dash towards the side of the road. I guess he missed a branch. Just imagine if I was 2 secs earlier leaving home or a light changed on a different schedule or the squirrel paused a beat longer thinking about the gap between those branches? I wonder what kind of havoc a squirrel landing in the cockpit of a moving convertible might cause? Would not be pretty!

In our increasingly harder to accomplish task of finding a different way north we crossed into Georgia for a bit of our trip. As luck would have it we were in the small burg of Clarksville, GA around lunchtime. We stopped in the center square and walked around looking for like candidates for a nice meal. We ended up going into the Zanzo Side Door Deli. It was on one side of a building and the regular Italian restaurant was on the other. Donna had a chicken salad plate on some greens with fruit on the side and I opted for the lunch portion of baked ziti. Man it was good. Almost worth the 100 mile drive it would take just to go back. This food was so Italian good and we were so in the middle of nowhere, backwoods Georgia that the folks running the place had to be witness protection relocatees.

July

James Brown Announces Breakup Of Marriage

Thursday the 24th

You may have not noticed this unless you live in LA (Los Angeles) or LA (Lower Augusta) but in today’s newspaper there appeared this blurb in the people in the news section of page 2:

The “Godfather of Soul,” James Brown, has announced his breakup from his wife, Tomi Rea Brown, with a full-page ad in the show-business trade newspaper Variety.

In the July 21-27 weekly edition of the paper, the ad features a photo of the couple and their 2 year-old son, James Joseph Brown II, smiling at Walt Disney World while posing with the costumed character Goofy.

Above the photo, a statement said that because of their “heavy, demanding tour schedule, they have decided to go their separate ways. There are no hard feelings, just a mutual show business decision made by both parties.”
Mrs. Brown is one of Mr. Brown’s background singers.

The pair is touring together in Europe, the newspaper added, and may continue working together despite the breakup.

They are splitting up because of the heavy touring schedule? They’re together! I could understand it is she was home while James toured the world.

They are going their separate ways? Yet she is one of his backup singers and may continue to work together!

I glad to see I wasn’t the only one to find humor in this announcement, why else would have the copy person who culled this from the Variety ad have made room for the part about the whole family posing with Goofy.

August

Praise The Lord, But Get The Hell Out Of My Way

Monday the 11th

For the last couple of months my wife and I have been meeting a few of our fellow Aiken Bicycle Club members for an early morning ride on Sundays. We have been riding more or less 25 miles by picking a loop from the Club’s inventory of past and present Spring Century rides. It is a small group of 4 to 6 riders of around the same abilities and inclinations so no one is dropped and forgotten about, nor is anyone riding at half speed so as not to get too far ahead. The ride is always fun and a nice work out, plus we are home early enough, around 9:30, so as to still have the whole day left for other things.

Start time is at 7:30 for a couple of reasons. One, it is summer in South Carolina and the heat and humidity make later in the day rides unpleasant at best. And two, traffic is very light at the time of day on weekends. The routes take us on a variety of roads in the lighter populated areas of the county, but in the last 1/2 hour of the ride no matter where we are, car traffic picks up. And these are usually the most rude and impatient drivers. They pass us on two lane roads when there is oncoming traffic and/or as close as possible to us.

The strange thing about these folks is they are all dressed very nicely, obviously on their way to church. I’m a non-attendee of church, so I don’t know why they would endanger our lives, their lives and those of the poor unsuspecting occupants in the other car just to ensure they get a good pew. My recollection of Christian beliefs is not so hazy that I wouldn’t have remembered that being late for church was a sin.

September

Dysfunctional Parking Is To The Left

Friday the 26th

While enjoying our ice cream at Brusters this evening we amused ourselves by making fun
of the people already there and the new ones as they pulled up. All in good fun really.

The most fun is watching folks pull in and park, scary. A full size Ford pick up truck pulled into the lot and it looked like he didn’t even try to get in between the lines. Parked at a 60 degree angle to the end of the spots he parked across. The lot wasn’t crowded, so it is not like he was depriving any one of a place to put the car, but what kind of statement was he making? Early to mid 20s couple gets out and saunter over to get in line. (Don’t even get me started on the line and the service we received.)

Next in was a Nissan Maxima. Pulled into the side of the lot in front of us and paused. Started to back up and I thought it was to get more centered in the spot. This is like a 5-foot wide car and it was “in” a 10\\\’ wide spot. In is in quotes because the left tires were mostly on the line with the outside of them in the other parking spot. Instead of straightening out, this car backs up across the aisle, where the canted pickup truck is, and stops in the middle of two parking spots. At least she is perpendicular to the lines. Two youngish (late teens?) couples get out and walk across to get some ice-cream.

Brusters in same lot as a Publix grocery store where Donna and I walk over to after eating dessert. We need dish soap as all our silverware is dirty and even though I offered to eat breakfast with my fingers, Donna insisted on buying some Sunlight. It is 9:30 on a Friday night and the store lot is nearly empty. So as not to tire themselves out by having to walk the extra 20 feet to the door another young couple pull right up front of the store, park and get out. At least he was perfectly parallel to the curb (could have been a little closer though.) The guy must have been raised by his mommy and hasn’t got car guy friends, because if he did, they would certainly have told him by now that the loud squealing coming from his brakes, that goes away when they are applied, is telling him he needs new pads.

October

Naughty Holidays

Friday the 24th

We went out this evening and got a scoop of ice cream and took a stroll around downtown Aiken. We passed by a small women’s clothing boutique and there in the window were some bright red and green bra/panty sets next to a sign that proclaimed Holiday Lingerie. The red ones were crotchless! Santa has been a very good boy this year.

November

Parts Is Parts

Sunday the 16

Blew out a turn signal bulb yesterday. We were on our way to a Miata event at our sponsoring dealer, so when the first parts store I stopped in didn’t have what I needed I figured I could get it at their parts counter. The bulb is a pretty standard automotive bulb, an 1157NA. 1157 is the type, 12 volts, two filaments, one brighter than the other and the NA means it is amber. The parts store had plain 1157s, but because the Miatas turn signals are mounted in a clear lens I needed the yellow bulb.

When I asked the parts counter guy for two 1157NAs he didn’t move, he just looked at me like he was waiting for more information. None was needed, but he asked anyway, “What kind of car is it for?” I sighed internally and said out loud, a Mazda Miata. Off he went to the bulb draw. He rummaged around for a few minutes and came back with two bulbs. When he put them on the counter they were clear. I said, “I wanted NAs, I need them to be amber.” Back to the drawer he went. More rummaging, lots more. Finally after what seemed like 5 minutes he returns with two yellow bulbs. I checked the part number just to be sure. As I’m walking away I heard him say to himself, “I always wondered what NA meant.”

I guess basic automotive knowledge isn’t a prerequisite of working at a part department in a car dealership. To be somewhat fair, this dealership sells both Mercedes-Benz’s and Mazda’s so maybe he needed to know how much to charge me. I paid $2.87 for the pair, I wonder if a Benz owner would have had to fork over $8.59 for his?

December

Toilet Stall Entertainment

Monday the 29th

This morning while sitting in a stall at work (I always go at work. Why do it at home when you can get paid for it?) I noticed a fingernail clipping laying near my shoe. At first, I was somewhat repulsed, but then marveled at the nicely symmetrical nature of the clipping. It was kind of large, so it must have been a thumb…crap! Did it just move? Naw, I must be hallucinating. No wait, there it goes again. WTF? It is then I notice that there is a tiny little ant under one end. He is valiantly trying to get that sucker back to all his buddies back in Antville. First he swings it one way, and then back another. He is struggling mightily. I watch transfixed for a couple of minutes while he makes very little organized progress, he keeps at it, so there must be some good food stuck to the nail. My business is finished, so I leave the ant to his. That was much more entertaining than the occasional folded up sports page…

Best of 2002

January

Invisible Customers

Monday the 14th

On the way home from work my wife and I stopped into the Food Lion on the way home, we needed one item. Once we got what we needed, we headed for the checkout lines. There was one right at the end of the aisle that we were coming down so we went there even though the light wasn’t on. There was a cashier and another employee on the register side and a “customer” on the other. They were all deep in conversation. As we got up to them my wife asked, “Are you open?” Perhaps they didn’t hear so we waited a bit and she asked again. Still no response. We turned around in dismay and headed over to 2 other aisles that had their lights on. The first one had no cashier at all and the other one was busy. We looked back down towards the three people at the one we just left and there was still no motion to move or acknowledge us, it was as if we were invisible. Needless to say we put down the item at the empty cash register and left the store. Plenty of other places to shop.

We ended up at a Bi-Lo near the house and got an over friendly cashier. (Almost as bad.)

February

More Chicken Stuff (pun intended)

Wednesday the 6th

A couple of days ago I ranted on chicken tenderloins and in it I mentioned we eat more chicken. I meant in as the royal we, meaning all of us, but I also meant me and my household. We buy some frozen foods from a company called Schwan’s. Donna’s brother drives a truck for them in the Seattle area. When Donna’s mom moved in with us she decided to start ordering stuff from them. We order some of the frozen vegetables and in the summer we get some of those little ice cream cups. We have tried of few of the other things as well. The chicken breasts are a big time saver; they are always so moist and tender. Never really paid attention to the box before, but for some reason today it caught my eye. Right there on the side of the box was (italics are theirs) – Unbreaded, Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breast Fillets with Rib Meat Containing up to 12% of a solution.

What does that mean? Nowhere on any of the 6 sides of the box does it say what the solution is that they have stuffed in there.

March

Overdraft Privilege

Wednesday th 20th

We got a little flyer included with this month’s checking that describes a service the bank likes to call Overdraft Privilege. If you can understand the gobbledy gook they have printed on this 1/3 page you are either a banking lawyer or certifiably insane. I wish I had a scanner at home so you could see it, but I think this little asterisked portion on the bottom sums up this service nicely:

The Overdraft Privilege Service does not constitute an actual or implied agreement between you and The South Financial Group, Inc. Nor does it constitute an actual or implied obligation of or by the bank. This service represents a purely discretionary courtesy or privilege that the bank may provide to you from time to time and which may be withdrawn or withheld by The South Financial Group, Inc. at any time without prior notice or reason or cause.

I just knew I could count on them…

April

Masters Golf Tournament

Sunday the 14th

What is it that made me waste most of my Sunday watching it on TV? I watched all the way until Tiger had it in the bag, then I tuned out, not because I didn’t want him to win, heck I hope he wins it again next year, but I just couldn’t care once it stopped being a golf match and started to be just watching someone play meticulous golf. I don’t golf, I don’t watch golf and I can barely name a golfer besides Tiger. I suppose that I watch because I have been on the course. When we first moved to Aiken we went over and bought practice round tickets back when they sold as many tickets as people who showed up. It was especially fun to go over with relatives who visited. Both my brother and brother-in-law are golfers so they were a real kick because they knew the players and they knew the history.

But about 6 years ago they went to a lottery drawing for the privilege to buy practice round tickets. The first 2 years we got selected, but for the past 4 years, no dice. Everyone says that locals don’t get picked anymore because they make more money from out of towners. Bah, the course doesn’t care, doesn’t matter where you are from you still pay the same $2 for a palmetto cheese sandwich. The members don’t care because they don’t own hotels or restaurants in the area, heck most of them aren’t local anyway. I think the real reason I don’t get practice round tickets anymore is that the Masters’ Secret Police found out I don’t even like golf.

May

Senator Strom Thurmond Endorses Cloning

Friday the 3th

Just passed by the TV, my wife had on CNN and I noticed a scroll that said, “Senator Strom Thurmond Endorses Cloning.” I’m not a follower of politics, news or much of anything, so I’m sure there is lot more to the story, but all I could think was, “Of course he endorses it, he’s like 100 and on the way out and he never did get to be president!”

June

Triskaidekaphobia

Saturday the 29th

We spent last night in a brand new Holiday Inn Express in Anderson, SC. They put us in room 315. It wasn’t until we were leaving the next morning that I noticed that the room next door was 311. In this place all the odd numbered rooms were on one side of the hall and all the even numbers were on the other. That means we were really in room 313. Would they have gotten complaints about staying in that number room?

Tonight and for the next 3 nights were are staying at the Holiday Inn Choo-Choo Hotel in downtown Chattanooga. Our room number is 1015. In this building all the rooms are on one side of the hall and are numbered consecutively. The room to our left is 1014 and to the left of that is 1013. Go figure.

July

Bird’s Nest Ingredients?

Monday the 15th

God bless my mother-in-law. Really nice lady and great to have around, but she comes up with the weirdest things. We were sitting on the screened porch last night eating supper. We were watching the birds chase each other around the back yard and out of the blue she tells us that when she cuts her toe nails, she saves the clippings and throws them into the back yard in the belief that the birds use them for nest building. WHAT?!? She then suffixed that statement with, “I don’t know how they find them ( the clippings.)” Do they really want to?

August

I Don’t Mind Go Ahead

Thursday the 29th

Last night I went to Mail Boxes, Etc. to print up the Aiken Bicycle Club newsletter. I was standing at the copier looking out the window when this woman pulls into the spot next to my car. I pulled into an end spot and all the way to one side, so no one could open a door into it, but I hadn’t prepared for this contingency. She opens the hatch of her Grand Cherokee and pulls out a big box. Now with her hands full she has no way to close the hatch. So she walks over to my car and places her box on my trunk! Closes the hatch, picks up the box and comes inside to mail it.

As she is standing in line I walk up to her and say, “Next time I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t use my car as a box stand.” She replies with, “but your shirt matches the pretty blue of your car. Besides I didn’t have any where else to put it.” “You wouldn’t want me to sit on the hood of car just because it looked inviting would you,” was all I could come up as I walked away shaking my head.

September

Roadie

Friday the 6th

Tonight I went to my second high school football game, ever. The last one was almost 29 years ago while in my senior year of New Britain High School. Some friends and I snuck into the Thanksgiving Day game with our big cross-town rivals, Pulaski High. Tonight I “snuck” into the game between cross-county rivals, Rockbridge County High School and Parry McCluer High School. Stuart is the RCHS Marching Band Drum Major and tonight was his first football game in that capacity. Mom Sally is the president of the Band Booster Club, so she asked us to come along and help out. We followed the tractor pulling the trailer of band equipment down the road into the field to keep stuff from falling off. We just waved at the guy guarding the gate as we walked on by. Later that night I thanked Sally for helping fulfill a life-long dream of being able to get backstage somewhere by just saying, “I’m with the band.”

October

Super 8 Motel

Saturday the 12th

For $90 a night you should get a better TV than one that is 19″ and slightly out of focus and a bonus of adding snow to the picture above channel 24 with a numberless remote control that the only way to get from channel 17 to channel 39 is to push the up button 21 times.

For $90 a night you should get more than one operating ice machine on the second floor all the way in the back for a 100 unit place.

For $90 a night you should not get a toilet that rocks back and for so much that it threatens to dump you on the floor when you lean over to get some toilet paper.

November

The Ol’ Gray Matter Ain’t What It Used To Be

Monday the 25th

On the way to work this morning we stopped at the ATM to get out a twenty because Donna was going out at lunch with her co-workers. When we were walking into the building at work she asked me to give her the receipt from the withdrawal. She likes to put them inside the checkbook right away because I have a tendency to forget about them and have nearly caused some checks to bounce in the past. When I opened my wallet the $20 bill was there, but no receipt. For that matter, no ATM card either! Left them in the ATM. Hopped back in the car and hightailed it the 3 miles back to the bank. The receipt was still there in the slot, but no card. When I got back to work I called the 1-800 customer service where the fellow explained to me that after a minute or so of the card being left in the slot the machine sucks it in. If I was lucky that would be the case. I called the bank an hour later when they opened and sure enough they had my card. When you are old and senile it helps to be lucky.

December

Poor Earl

Tuesday the 10th

Just got through watching “An Evening With The Dixie Chicks” on NBC. While I’m not a big county music fan, I liked this enough to stay for the whole show (which is either a testament to a good program or a statement on the amount of crap available on the other 60-odd channels.) It was actually good stuff. Put me in mind of the Eagles’s Hell Freezes Over concert of a while back. Nice harmonizing with the extra kick of a string section. You can tell it was filmed in Hollywood though, you had to be an aspiring actor/actress to get in the audience – nothing but good looking people to be seen in the whole theater, I’d have never gotten in.