Month: June 2005

No-Legged Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t you?”

“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”

“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.

“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.”

“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.

“NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?”

“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….”

Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

Happy Father’s Day

I certainly hope that all you fathers out there had half as nice a day as I did. While I’m not a father myself, so I didn’t get a hand drawn card or burnt toast in bed, I did have a nice leisurely day. This morning was spent reading (The Genesis Code by John Case) on the screened porch listening to Radio Paradise. With both the humidity and temperatures lower than normal for around here, the screened porch was the place to be. So much so that after lunch with friends I headed back out there to read some more and listen to the Red Sox trounce the Pirates.

Excuse me while I go finish the book and then it is back to reality. Tomorrow starts a new work week and I really need to get going on a Master’s Miata Club newsletter…

Started down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 191

25,000 Peaches

And about 10 Shriners on Go-Karts. The Emperor passed the 25,000 mile mark on the way to the Ridge Peach Parade this morning. It was organized chaos, both in the manner of go-kart driving in front of us and at the start when the “float” markers weren’t out on time, so we just kind of lined up where we thought we should be. Coincidentally there were 10 Miatas in the parade following right behind the Shriners. Although we would have liked to have done some of the maneuvers that the go-karts were doing, and Miatas are small cars, our turning radius is not that tight.

Shriners

Started down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 191

Letter Sweater

Looking for the perfect 50’s college nostolgia? How about a letter sweater just like dear ol’ dad wore? Get a duplicate of the one the moths ate or make one up of your very own at lettersweaters.com.

Letter Sweater
Here is Doug Neidermeyer’s letter sweater from Faber U.

Or if you would like that High School Letter Jacket you missed out on back in the day, because they didn’t award them to members of the AV Club, you can get one at their companion site, American Letterman Jackets.

Started down, went up, went down, back up, back down, still down.
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Blogger’s Block Again

In leiu of actual content, a smart blonde/dumb southerner joke:

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked “What are you doing?”

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!!”

Started down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/05: 187

Gameday Audio

This is the last time you hear me bitch about listening to the Red Sox on MLB.com. I tried listening to the Sox -Reds game last night and I couldn’t take it, the sound randomly cutting out was too much to bear. I then took a shot at listening to the Cincinnati broadcast of the game, but while it wasn’t cutting out, the announcers sounded like they were moving closer then further away from the mikes, The volume was up and down and about as distracting as the WEEI sound drop outs. For a second I thought maybe all this was me, but funny thing though, the volume of the commercials was perfect.

Tonight, I tried to listen to the Red Sox broadcasters again, and the game sounded fine. Might have been because there were some different people in the booth. One of the regular announcers was out because of a sick relation or something and that changed something just enough that there were almost no sound cut outs.

Next time the broadcast gets crappy I’m going to call and cancel even if there is no refund. If I keep the service I will be tempted to try and listen and then just be pissed at the quality.

Started down, went up, back down, still down.
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Abu el Banat*

I wish I had better luck with the lottery. That way I could be wealthy enough to just stay up all night and watch Bravo’s West Wing Marathon Mondays and not have to worry about getting up the next morning.

They say bad things come in threes, well I’m here to tell you sometimes good things come in threes too. First there was that winning the company’s Safety Bingo game, then there was all those Walmart Gift Card emails and now this lil’ ol’ website won $30 paypal dollars in a weekly contest held by my webhost. I was chosen from literally tens of entrants as the best designed and most informative. Click here soon as it may not mean anything in another week.

Started down, still down.
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