Holiday Eating Tips

1 – Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2 – Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3 – If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4 – As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5 – Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6 – Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7 – If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8 – Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9 – Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10 – One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Thanks John 2

I have a cockpit cover that I use to protect the interior of the car when we leave the top down with boot on for extended periods of time (like during work.) It goes under the wipers in front, straps around the mirrors, a couple of elastic straps in the wheel wells and three tabs under the trunk lid. Works great. The only downside is that it was designed for the earlier cars. The 2001+ Miatas have taller seats, AKA surfboards, and they cause the cover to have to be stretched when it is on. Over the last year that stretching has caused the cover to start to rip near the center tab on the back. John Haff to the rescue. He has an industrial sewing machine and knows how to use it. John sewed the ripping seam and added a gusset for extra strength. While he was at it he made me a bag to keep it in and a fender cover out of the same car cover material he used as a patch/gusset. Thanks John.

Next time this starts to rip I may just go ahead and buy a new one. The Crazy Red Italian has a cover that fit over cars with rollbars, so I know they will fit over the surfboards.

Gift Giving Quandry

Every year the 4 or 5 people in the department gather their funds and jointly purchase a gift for their supervisor. Said supervisor is a car guy, he subscribes to all the magazines and can converse fluently in everything from family sedans to exotics. The past few years his minions have bought him car related items, because there is always something to choose from in their price range. Plus from lunch, break or pre-meeting conversations during the year, a gift idea is sure to present itself.

Since 1998 the supervisor has owned a Miata. Seeing as one of the supervisees also owned a Miata it was easy to gather good gift ideas for Christmas giving. For a little over a year this supervisor has been contemplating what most would consider a move up the sports car ladder and buying a 1998 Porsche Boxster. In spite of his misgivings about the car, it was black, it had a plastic rear window and the cost of repairs, he went ahead and bought the car this last August. The deal was too good to pass up, even though the car is 6 years old, it only has 11,000 miles on it, so for all practical purposes it is new.

Seeing as one of the supervisor’s main concerns was the care and feeding of the plastic window in the convertible top, this year’s group gift idea was born. They would purchase a window protection blanket sold by a dealer of all things Porsche for him to use during extended top down periods and when he puts the hard top on over the winter. The week of Thanksgiving the order was placed and the Friday after Turkey Day the gift was in hand.

The week after Thanksgiving our supervisor is printing out web pages and circling items for his wish list to be distributed to family members. He has printed out the pages from the same place the gift window protector came from, but it is not circled. When questioned why not, his response is he is not too sure it is really needed and if it is, he will just get a cheap piece of felt or something. Uh-oh, should our givers return the protector and rethink this year’s gift? Nah, figuring he is still going to use it if he gets it for free.

The first weekend in December the supervisor puts on the hard top. Monday morning he is explaining to the troops that he watched the back window fold up closely and it folds in such a way that the plastic is not touching itself or anything else when stowed. His concerns about scratching the plastic window are gone. Unfortunately, this causes concerns for our gift givers. Should they return the window protector now and get their money back, although the sum will be reduced by the return postage and restocking fees? Or should they stay the course, because their cause is true and he probably will use the thing because it cost him nothing?

I Don’t Get It

I got a piece of email at work that was forwarded from someone who always forwards this stuff, so I’m guessing this has been around the world a couple of times already.
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HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Which of these five lovelies had a breast implant?

Scroll down for the answer.

Nekkid Women

Scroll down for the answer.

Who gives a big Rat’s As^!
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I’m curious, who sends a picture of nude women in an email, but then substitutes a symbol for the second ‘s’ in the word ass? Were they afraid they would get in some sort of trouble for sending and email with a swear word in it?

A Letter From Santa

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with STD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing. The 11 lords a-leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can’t read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year, I suggest you get your behinds down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.

Love,
Santa.

The Real Thing

Last night was the real Light Tour before the Master’s Miata Club’s Holiday Party. On the way over to the meeting place we drove right by one of the houses and, gasp, it wasn’t lit up. Turned out that one other house on the abbreviated tour was dark as well, but neither was an issue because we skipped going by house number one and the second one was right next door to one was blazing in full glory. As with most Club gatherings everyone had a great time chatting and just hanging out. I was worried about time, but didn’t have to be because as I guessed we didn’t get going until well after the appointed start time.

There was plentiful and varied party food stuffs, but as always the highlight of the evening is the gift swap. The poor person who drew number 17, who was seated next to us, had barely finished opening his package before my wife, #18, claimed it from him. She liked the silver painted wire reindeer, the container of cashews included didn’t hurt either. I was #27 and when my turn came I snagged a eclectic Christmas tree looking decoration. I’m sure the poor fellow, who was like #3, was sure he was stuck with the thing. But both Donna and I found it intriguing, so I took it from him. He picked another gift and it worked out well for him, but only for a short time. He unwrapped a really nice clock that looked like a car wheel, I think the next person up took it right out of hands, sending him back under the tree.

Christmas MP3 CD

I could have sworn I made up a CD full of Christmas music in MP3 form last year, but can’t seem to find it. I guess I’ll have to make another one up. It should be easy as I’ve got 341 Christmas songs taking up 1.2Gig on my hard drive. I usually buy CDs that are a little out there because I can hear all the usual stuff on the radio, so not all of those songs are gems. A A Big Band Christmas nets a couple of keepers, ditto Cajun Christmas and Hillbilly Holiday. On the other hand, on Bummed Out Christmas, Just In Time For Christmas and The Best Of Cool Yule every song is a gem. I can’t really explain having purchased Another Rosie Christmas at all. I’m sure I can get 700 Megs worth to cram on a CD. For in the car listening, that should last me to Christmas.